The 12 Stages Of Taking A Red-Eye Flight

Full disclosure: I took a red-eye flight last night, and I think my body is dying. Good night, y’all!

1. Stage 1: You’re planning a vacay, when you notice an option that seems like a really great idea.

2. Because with the Red-Eye, you can sleep through the flight, and not lose a day of travel!

Sweet! Sign me up, yo!

3. So you buy your tickets, get a cutesy sleep kit ready, and off you go to Red-Eye heaven!

4. Stage 2: To celebrate your awesome travel style, you decide to indulge with a little nip on the plane.

That’ll help you sleep, right…?

5. Stage 3: The plane takes off, and the surge of crying commences.

In this stage a passenger—likely a baby—begins to have an epic meltdown. It’s understandable, flying sucks in general, but unfortunately it’s your burden to deal with.

6. Stage 4: You attempt to sleep through the noise, like a champ.

7. You try various positions.

8. Bring out the heavy artillery. (i.e. A neck pillow and headphones with ambient noise.)

9. And sometimes even rely on the kindness of your seat mates.

10. But none of that ever really works, because someone is always reclining their chair into your lap.

11. OR THE CHILDREN ARE STILL AWAKE AND TAUNTING YOU.

12. Stage 5: Acceptance that you will stay awake.

Because there’s no way you’re actually going into a REM cycle through all this shit.

13. Stage 6: Try to keep busy for the next million hours of flight time.

14. It goes fairly well, until all of the electronic fun runs out of juice…

15. And you’re left with a book, which just makes you sleepy and reminds you that it’s impossible to sleep.

16. Stage 7: Deciding to explore the cabin and stretch your legs in the super spacious bathroom.

17. Stage 8: Blinding rage, when you realize there are still HOURS left on the flight.

18. Stage 9: Praying to someone, anyone, that the flight will end soon.

19. Stage 10: Accepting a coffee from a flight attendant out of boredom.

20. Stage 11: Finally, after hours of waiting for the plane to land, you fall asleep just as the wheels hit the tarmac.

21. Stage 12: VICTORY IS YOURS!

22. The plane has landed, and you can go on to live a full and happy life!

23. …That is, until you realize you realize it’s only 7 a.m., and you have a whole day of being awake ahead of you.

So much for saving that day of travel, good luck keeping your eyes open!

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