The 12 Stages Of Taking A Red-Eye Flight

Full disclosure: I took a red-eye flight last night, and I think my body is dying. Good night, y’all!

1. Stage 1: You’re planning a vacay, when you notice an option that seems like a really great idea.

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2. Because with the Red-Eye, you can sleep through the flight, and not lose a day of travel!

Sweet! Sign me up, yo!

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3. So you buy your tickets, get a cutesy sleep kit ready, and off you go to Red-Eye heaven!

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4. Stage 2: To celebrate your awesome travel style, you decide to indulge with a little nip on the plane.

That’ll help you sleep, right…?

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5. Stage 3: The plane takes off, and the surge of crying commences.

In this stage a passenger—likely a baby—begins to have an epic meltdown. It’s understandable, flying sucks in general, but unfortunately it’s your burden to deal with.

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6. Stage 4: You attempt to sleep through the noise, like a champ.

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7. You try various positions.

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8. Bring out the heavy artillery. (i.e. A neck pillow and headphones with ambient noise.)

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9. And sometimes even rely on the kindness of your seat mates.

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10. But none of that ever really works, because someone is always reclining their chair into your lap.

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12. Stage 5: Acceptance that you will stay awake.

Because there’s no way you’re actually going into a REM cycle through all this shit.

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13. Stage 6: Try to keep busy for the next million hours of flight time.

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14. It goes fairly well, until all of the electronic fun runs out of juice…

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15. And you’re left with a book, which just makes you sleepy and reminds you that it’s impossible to sleep.

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16. Stage 7: Deciding to explore the cabin and stretch your legs in the super spacious bathroom.

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17. Stage 8: Blinding rage, when you realize there are still HOURS left on the flight.

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18. Stage 9: Praying to someone, anyone, that the flight will end soon.

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19. Stage 10: Accepting a coffee from a flight attendant out of boredom.

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20. Stage 11: Finally, after hours of waiting for the plane to land, you fall asleep just as the wheels hit the tarmac.

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21. Stage 12: VICTORY IS YOURS!

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22. The plane has landed, and you can go on to live a full and happy life!

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23. …That is, until you realize you realize it’s only 7 a.m., and you have a whole day of being awake ahead of you.

So much for saving that day of travel, good luck keeping your eyes open!

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