1. What is this creepy guy with a knife cart doing outside the Wonka factory?!
And what’s with the cryptic message?! Oh, right, all those kids probs died. :(
2. What exactly is a “Wonkarer,” and why are these youths so excited to be one?!
3. How come Grandpa Joe, a bedridden smoker, has a Ph.D. in Slugworth?!
4. Oh, and Grandpa Joe hasn’t left his bed in 20 years…
Yet, now he’s positively agile??
That’s super convenient, because there’s a chocolate factory tour going down!
5. FOR REAL, THOUGH, why is Grandpa Joe the absolute WORST?!
Seriously: Your grandson is eating bowls of cabbage water.
6. How the hell did Augustus’ father think this was a good idea?
7. Why aren’t any of the parents at all freaked out by this strange man with a scar on his face touching their children?
9. What happened to this diva, and why doesn’t she have her own talk show?
10. Why doesn’t anyone seem to care about the fact that Augustus is being crushed to death?
11. NO, SERIOUSLY, THIS MAN IS A MURDERER!!!
12. Why isn’t he arrested at the end of the film?!
And I know, they “probably” didn’t die. Because “maybe” the burners weren’t turned on, and “maybe” we can pull that poor TV kid back to a normal size. It’s all “possibly” going to turn out alright.
But COME ON.
13. Why do these green-haired, fake-bake tanners get to judge my binge eating?
14. Did these two secret lovebirds ever meet up post-Wonka?
15. Do you have to go on an acid trip every time you travel to the inventing room, or… ?
I think I just answered my own question.
16. Why isn’t anyone freaking out about this!?
I mean, of course, aside from her father, who now has a “blueberry for a daughter.”
17. And why do these parents stay on the tour even though children are dying every 10 minutes??
19. Wonka never explained any of his half pieces of furniture…
Which filled his office, for no apparent reason.
Like…what does he do with the missing half?!
20. Where do the Oompa Loompas find the time to choreograph dance moves?
Last time I checked, they need to decontaminate the chocolate river, clean the bubble ceiling, and squeeze juice out of Violet so she doesn’t die.
21. Why can’t all flowers turn into teacups and taste like candy?!
22. And it’s 2013 — why doesn’t a magical candy world like this ACTUALLY exist?!
In the words of Veruca Salt: “Give it to me now!”