1. All right, back the eff up, because the queen bee of the ocean is here, y’all!
2. An octopus is flawless, right down to those Zooey Deschanel doe eyes.
That’s because an octopus’s eye is similar structurally and functionally to our human eyes. It’s the most complex eyeball among invertebrates!
3. And don’t even try to step up to an octopus: To avoid capture, they run, hide, and change colors!
They’re elusive, like the wind that is not worthy of them.
4. Seriously, piss off an octopus and you’ll get inked IN THE FACE. (It will be awesome.)
5. Wanna know why an octopus’s head is so big? It’s FULL OF SECRETS (and about 500 million large neurons).
The human brain, in comparison, has about 100 billion smaller neurons. An octopus can problem solve, find solutions to puzzles, and is capable of “conceptual thinking.”
In other words: Don’t try to beat these dudes at chess; you will LOSE.
6. Jack Kerouac stole his idea for On the Road from an octopus, probably.
Octopuses are sooo not interested in company. They spend most of their time in solitude, living in little dens or under rocks. And they generally move locations every week or two.
7. An Octopus’s arms are so strong that they can break through plexiglass.
Don’t even try to get in an arm wrestling match with these guys.
8. AND THEY CAN KILL A SHARK BY BREAKING ITS SPINE.
NO THANK YOU.
9. An octopus is the original model waif, and they can fit through impossibly small holes…
10. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO BONES IN THEIR BODY.
Their beak is the only hard part on their bodies.
11. Oh, they have a “burn book,” all right. It’s called, “IF I DON’T LIKE YOU I WILL EAT YOU.”
That’s right, fellow octopuses, you better watch your damn back! Because an adult octopus isn’t afraid to try and eat you if it’s hungry. There was even a 2008 study that recorded a female octopus devouring her mate over a two-day period, after he’d just spent three and a half hours mating with her.
12. One of their favorite activities is sneaking up on their prey and sucking it up into their mouths.
Fave foods include crab, shrimp, and lobster. So fetch.
Oh, right, and they can open sealed jars like nobody’s business.
13. If you try to sit with an octopus while wearing sweatpants, they’ll be all like, “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.”
14. But while they seem like really awesome superheroes, they can also be incredibly horrifying. An octopus will give birth once in their lifetime. Between 20,000 and 100,000 eggs (depending on the species).
15. IF YOU HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT. AND DIE.
Soon after the eggs hatch, both the male and female octopus just stop living. THAT’S RIGHT. THERE IS NO “JOY OF PARENTING” HERE. Just death. Depressing death.
16. They can also do T E R R I B L E things with their body, like camouflaging it depending on their setting.
:( Like a sneaky ghost.
17. SOME OCTOPUSES ARE SUPER VENOMOUS.
^^^ KILLING MACHINE ^^^
18. If this was a male octopus, one of these arms is his “bathing suit area” aka his “private parts” aka his “baby maker.”
Way scarier than that 13-pound baby.
19. While an octopuses might seem like terrifying badasses, deep down they secretly have a playful side.
When they play with toys — and yes, they do play — they have their own responses, temperaments, and personalities.