1. Don’t fall asleep on the bar and expect to wake up the same person you came as.
2. Don’t pick out your message T-shirt after you start drinking.
Or do, I dunno your life.
3. Don’t get drunk, climb a bar, and force some nice man to push you out of their dance space.
Come on, there’s room for everyone!
4. Don’t get drunk and intimidate hotties by thrusting too hard.
It’s just too sexy, friend.
5. Don’t forget to hire a babysitter before you hit the bar, that way your kid can fall asleep at home, instead of in a puddle of alcohol at your feet.
6. Don’t get drunk and give your sexiest game face to someone who’s not interested.
It’s a waste of your time, and you can do so much better!
8. Don’t stop holding the beer you’re drinking in order to get drunk.
9. Don’t fall over and break this table with your clumsy, drunk body.
10. Don’t get drunk, trip, and spill your friend’s beer. That’s super rude.
11. Don’t get drunk and do whatever the hell is happening here.
13. Don’t get drunk and pass out in a house filled with permanent markers.
14. Don’t get drunk and ask your girlfriend if she’s single.
She’s not, but now she knows your drunk self is.
15. Don’t drunkenly pour a full bottle of beer on yourself mid-selfie.
16. Don’t get drunk and punish your friends by turning the only bathroom into a bedroom.
17. Don’t get drunk at the Golden Globes and have a dance-seizure on camera.
18. Don’t get drunk and let your more sober friends take advantage of your perfectly lifeless body.
19. Don’t try to walk through any doors — you’re drunk, not Superman.
20. Don’t throw hamsters out of windows.
21. Don’t get drunk and fall perfectly into a beer outline of your own body.
22. Don’t get drunk and write weird passive aggressive notes to yourself.
But making that sandwich is a perfectly fine thing to do.
24. Actually, just don’t shave at all, like, maybe throw out all the razors in your house, because…
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