Buzz·Posted on Jul 25, 201537 Tweets Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Every TimeRT. RT. RT.by Erin ChackBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Aquarium by @murrman5 brent @murrman5 [walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent 02:10 AM - 24 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Any Last Words by @Brampersandon_ Br&on the Cow @Brampersandon_ *tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch 06:38 PM - 26 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Paris Review by @TriciaLockwood Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood .@parisreview So is Paris any good or not 11:15 PM - 09 Jan 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Four Eels by @JNalv Josh Nalven @JNalv I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy 09:42 PM - 20 Feb 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Lee Harvey Oswald by @meganamram Megan Amram @meganamram By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person 09:51 PM - 14 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Owls by @joejwest Joe West @joejwest The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave. 02:27 PM - 09 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Take Your Husband's Name by @danimgrace Danielle Grace @danimgrace Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now. 07:14 PM - 12 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Just Wave by @Reverend_Scott Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott Obama: Wave at the people, Joe. Biden: IMMA POINT AT'EM Obama: Please just wave. Biden: 06:39 PM - 29 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. No More Tears by @ScottLinnen attakin finchwalker @ScottLinnen Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder. 12:32 AM - 16 May 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Dog Job Interview by @SirEviscerate Ray @SirEviscerate DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a 10:06 PM - 20 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. BOYFRIEND by @amfmpm dan chamberlain @amfmpm B rave O pen minded Y es he is mine F ather material R eal smart I ntuituve E ats pigeons N o belly button D eafening shreiks 01:21 AM - 22 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Of Course I Can Paint Your Ceilings by @davedittell Dave Ditell sucks!! @davedittell "yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho" 04:35 PM - 13 Jun 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. The Catcher in the Rye by @david8hughes David Hughes @david8hughes [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye." 03:41 PM - 01 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Nervous Around the Person You Like? by @MindyFurano Mindy Furano @MindyFurano Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman. 06:47 PM - 18 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Shipwrecked Diary by @murrman5 brent @murrman5 *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife. 04:49 PM - 14 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Magician by @jonnysun jomny sun @jonnysun on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice 08:21 PM - 22 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Skeleton by @robdelaney rob delaney @robdelaney Weird that inside each of us is a skeleton that will one day wander the earth carrying a rusty sword. 06:20 AM - 03 Sep 2011 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. He Died Doing What He Loved by @keetpotato k e e t @KeetPotato he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest 11:03 AM - 21 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. I Came to Get Down by @UpturnedBathtub John F. Brennan @UpturnedBathtub I came to get down I came to get down So get out your seats and jumper hound Jumper hound Jumper hound Jumper hound 08:28 PM - 27 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. She Wears Short Skirts by @AnnDabromowitz Mrs. Dan Abromowitz @AnnDabromowitz She wears short skirts I'm the bleachers She's cheer captain and I am the bleachers 02:36 AM - 22 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Well Well Well by @mattingebretson Matt Ingebretson @mattingebretson WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into 04:17 AM - 20 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. My Name's Philippe by @philyuck philippe iujvidin @philyuck My name’s Philippe and I like to rap I’m still a beginner and I like to rap 04:31 PM - 30 Jan 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Oh Hi Becky by @iamchrisscott Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have fucking turned 12:38 AM - 15 May 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Sorry I Just Saw Your Text by @Home_Halfway Michael Flynn @Home_Halfway Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant 06:50 PM - 30 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Do You Have a Second by @RJSzczerba Robert J. Szczerba @RJSzczerba "Excuse me Sir, do you have a second to talk about our lord and savior, Godzilla" 12:54 AM - 04 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Have To Stop by @wolfpupy wolf pupy @wolfpupy have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud 12:24 PM - 03 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Olive Garden by @bobvulfov Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov [getting thrown out of olive garden] OLIVES GROW ON TREES SO TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD BE OLIVE ORCHARD *flipping tables* WHEN UR HERE UR STUPID 04:43 PM - 27 Mar 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Surprise Your Partner by @bridger_w Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep 10:29 PM - 06 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Judas by @david8hughes David Hughes @david8hughes Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas 12:39 AM - 05 Jan 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. You're Breaking Up With Me? by @Fred_Delicious Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious You're breaking up with me because I "don't put food in the correct things?" WTF? After I've JUST made you a delicious bowl of toast?? 07:57 PM - 17 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Dentist Awards by @thenatewolf THE NATEWOLF @thenatewolf *Ted receiving best dentist award at the dentist awards* This is the only plaque that's allowed in my house *laughter* You the king, Ted! 10:15 PM - 27 Oct 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Can You Imagine? by @Ristolable Ristolable @Ristolable Can you imagine if a bird got on a plane and sat in one of the seats? I'd absolutely lose it. "You don't need to be here" I'd say 07:58 PM - 16 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. Not Jesus by @LucybelleH LB @LucybelleH Mum, that's not a picture of Jesus 01:50 PM - 17 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Harry Potter by @jonseven3 Jonathan Bowman @jonseven3 Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall lmao" 09:42 PM - 03 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. Funeral by @murrman5 brent @murrman5 *stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you" 04:47 PM - 12 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. Hi, Grandma? by @ch000ch chuuch @ch000ch hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it 05:08 PM - 19 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. If You're Asking Me to Choose @ingmarbirdman zachary @ingmarbirdman if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door 11:31 PM - 01 Apr 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite