The Definitive Ranking Of Animals Riding On Turtles*

Slow ride. Take is easy. ♫ (*I realize most of these are tortoises. Spare me, internet commenters).

16. Seal

This poor sea turtle can barely dry-hump its way across the beach on a good day, let alone with a blubbery seal dragging it down. This is a piss-poor display of turtle riding.

15. Lizard

Enjoy the skin-burn you’re going to get from lazily dragging your tail across the carpet while your turtle friend does all the work. You’ve earned it, ya dumb lizard.

14. Grill

I’m not sure who I’m more embarrassed of here: the turtle, the grill, or me for including them on this list.

13. Cockatiel

Those red circles on the bird’s cheeks aren’t her feathers, she’s blushing because she ashamed of her weak-ass turtle-riding skills.

12. Goat

This goat strikes me as less of a committed turtle-rider and more of a bully. A bully goat, HA! Get it?

11. Shiba

I bet you thought I was going to make a “doge” joke. Well, you’re much wrong. This shiba’s doing alright, despite the “how in the hecky did I even get up here” look on his furry face.

10. Parakeet

Again, I don’t care for the dragging tail but the side-saddle is a nice touch. And who can resist a teensy-tiny turtle?

9. Generic dog #1

Interesting interpretation of turtle-riding. I’ll allow it.

8. Kitten

Cool, confident. You can tell it’s not this itty kitty’s first turtle ride, if ya catch my drift.

7. Papillion

Like a tiny majestic lion riding fearlessly into battle…on a turtle.

6. Two parakeets

It’s like a tandem bicycle made of turtle parts.

5. Chinhuahua

Point for the tiny skirt, two points for the human posse.

4. Frog

This just feels so right.

3. Generic dog #2

This dog makes me wonder why turtle-riding isn’t an olympic sport. I’m literally getting chills watching this incredible display of athleticism.

2. Unidentifiable creature probably from Australia

Three-legged reverse cowgirl on the biggest turtle I have ever seen. That, my friends, is how you ride a turtle.

1. Chicken

Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing when Johnny and Baby finally nail the lift and “I Had The Time Of My Life” crescendos in the background and you have to turn away from the TV because the tears are flowing, man, it’s just too beautiful? That’s how I feel when I look at this chicken. Brava!

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