1. “Aren’t you worried you’re missing out?”
Sorry, having too much fun to care.
2. “I’d get so sick of being with the same person for a long time.”
Cool. Don’t, then.
3. “Come on. You must wish you were single sometimes.”
I’m wishing other things right now, actually.
4. “I’m too independent to be in a relationship.”
I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
5. “Most animals aren’t monogamous, you know. It’s a social construct.”
You know what else is a social construct? Ice cream.
6. “Do you do everything together?”
Yes, in fact, our lungs can only breathe air if we’re within 10 feet of each other.
7. “How long have you been together?”
If I had a dollar for every year we’ve been dating, I’d use it to buy a sign that says “Please stop asking us that question.”
8. “You’re soooooo lucky to not be dating right now.”
9. “Dating is the worst.”
11. “Have you ever broken up and gotten back together?”
Would you also like to talk about every pet that died during my childhood?
12. “Do you ever fight?”
Not ever. We are robots. We are programmed to never disagree.
13. “Who’s your one celebrity freebie?”
My S.O. when he hits it big.
14. “You must fantasize about other people, though.”
I fantasize about what I’d talk to my cat about if he could speak English. And sleeping inside a giant burrito.
15. “Do you get crushes?”
Again, giant burritos.
16. “Do you ever run out of things to talk about?”
Yes, but then we stare dreamily into each other’s eyes while reciting love sonnets.
17. “When are you two getting married?”
Why do you need to know if you’re not going to be invited anyway?