1. Hers and his ear plugs.
I couldn’t figure out why loud noises were waking me up at night. And then I realized: The pieces of foam I jammed into my ear canal weren’t PINK. Once I switched to pink ear plugs, I slept like a (female) baby.
2. Pens for her.
I kept breaking a nail every time I tried to write with a girthy man pen. Thank god Bic realized the gentle feminine hand requires a gentle feminine pen.
3. Men’s and women’s tea.
I drank man tea once. I’m still plucking the chest hairs.
4. Men’s tissues.
I was ankle-deep in my boyfriend’s mucus before we bought these man-sized Kleenex. Ordinary tissues just couldn’t contain his oversized, masculine boogers.
5. Girls’ clear tape.
Every time I tried to tape a picture of something I baked or cleaned into one of my pink scrapbooks with unisex tape, the scrapbook would burst into flames. But not with Just For Girl’s Sellotape! Now the only thing that’s burning is the steak I cook for my boyfriend (oopsie!).
6. Women’s and men’s shaving razors.
It’s a scientific fact that men’s hair is 100 to 200 times thicker than women’s due to their abounding testosterone and other manly juices. That’s why you should never, ever shave with a men’s razor if you’re a lady. It’ll take the skin clean off your shin. It’s science.
7. Boys’ and girls’ chocolate eggs.
The real surprise happens when you accidentally eat the wrong egg and your genitals fall off.
8. Girls’ energy drink.
It can get so tiring being a hysterical, menstrual mess all the time. Thankfully there’s an energy drink formulated especially for us girls. How else could we keep up the energy to bake and clean and cry all day?
9. Hair regrowth treatment for women and men.
Hair loss can be embarrassing, but not HALF as embarrassing as buying medication in a dark green box! Minoxidil solves that problem by offering the exact same product in an adorable lilac package (and for all you dumb boys out there, “lilac” means “purple.” LOL!).
10. Beer for women.
Because you drank all the pink wine during your last period.
11. Women’s toolset.
The only tools that should be in here are a cell phone and your dad’s phone number, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!
12. Women’s and men’s electric razors.
Did you not hear me before? THE SKIN. CLEAN OFF.
13. Girl’s microscope.
See? Girls can be scientists! As long as they look cute doing it. God forbid they’re caught in the lab looking into a black microscope. Then how would they find a husband?
14. Yogurt for men.
My boyfriend ate normal yogurt once and now he’s pregnant.
15. Blenders for women and men.
Men need a stronger blender so they can make smoothies thin enough to drink through their penises. That’s how men drink, right? I didn’t have a girl-microscope as a kid, so I never learned about biology.
16. Men’s and women’s face masks.
I would rather die from toxic inhalation than be caught wearing a navy blue face mask. Thank you, Nexcare.
17. Boys’ and girls’ M&M’s.
“Boys Rule”? “Girls Rule”? You know what really rules? Needlessly gendering things!
18. Girls’ and boys’ baby toys.
Even before your sexual organs have developed, it’s so, so incredibly important to start gendering yourself. You don’t want an old man to walk up to you when you’re 3 days old and say, “What a cute little boy!” when he really means “girl,” do you? That would be devastating. Might as well crawl back into your mother’s womb, honestly.
19. Girl and boy gift cards.
If a girl even tries to use the boy card, Barack Obama has to arrest her. The man is busy, OK? Just use the right card.
20. Men’s and women’s socks.
It goes without saying that the women’s hiking socks are just for pretend. Women can’t actually hike! Their periods would attract bears.
21. Men’s and women’s deodorant.
Sure it smells the same. But you’d know. Then how could you live with yourself?
Can someone please explain all of this to Riley?
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