How Metal Is Your Period?

Being a woman is hardcore. Period.

Warner Bros.
    1. had your period?
    2. used a pad?
    3. used a tampon?
    4. used a menstrual cup?
    5. needed to use two pads?
    6. needed to use a pad and a tampon?
    7. needed to use a pad and a menstrual cup?
    8. needed to use two tampons?
    9. tried to put in a tampon only to discover you forgot to take the old one out?
    10. left a tampon in for over a day?
    11. left a tampon in for over a week?
    12. left a tampon in for over a month?
    13. (Do you still have last month’s tampon inside you right now?)
    14. required outside attention (medical or otherwise) to remove a stuck tampon?
    15. required outside attention (medical or otherwise) to remove a stuck menstrual cup?
    16. DIYed a pad or tampon out of household materials because you ran out?
    17. challenged yourself to make dwindling supplies last an entire period instead of buying a new box?
    18. used a “super” tampon on a light day and had to yank the dry cotton from your body?
    19. used a light tampon on a heavy day and bled right through that sucker?
    20. bled through a pad?
    21. designated pairs of underwear as “period underwear” to anticipate inevitable leakage?
    22. bled through your underwear?
    23. bled through your underwear and pants?
    24. bled through your underwear, pants, and onto a chair?
    25. bled through your underwear and pants until it dripped down your leg and into your socks?
    26. gotten period blood on another human being?
    27. stained your pubes with period blood?
    28. gotten period blood stuck under your nails?
    29. woken up in a pool of your own blood?
    30. bled so much in the shower that it looked like that scene in “Psycho”?
    31. accidentally left a trail of blood drips around your home not unlike the kids in “Hansel and Gretel”?
    32. related to that girl in “Mean Girls” who said, “It’s not my fault I have a heavy flow and wide-set vagina”?
    33. stood up after sitting for a while while on your period, causing a waterfall of blood?
    34. sneezed while on your period, causing a waterfall of blood?
    35. had a period that lasted longer than a week?
    36. had a period that lasted longer than two weeks?
    37. had a period that lasted longer than a month?
    38. had a period that lasted longer than a year?
    39. had the bright red, watery period?
    40. had the black sludge period?
    41. had the brown smear period?
    42. had the deep red, thick period?
    43. discharged stringy, pulpy, or clotted blood and thought, “Is my uterus actually leaving my body?”
    44. bled so much you thought, “I am actually dying this time”?
    45. thought your period had stopped, only to have it pop up again and ruin your life?
    46. sworn you started your period, but when you went to the bathroom nothing was there?
    47. sworn you started your period but purposely avoided going to the bathroom because you didn’t want to admit Hell Week was starting?
    48. had spotting between periods and cursed your existence?
    49. started your period early and cursed everyone’s existence?
    50. been late on your period?
    51. been late by a week on your period?
    52. skipped a period entirely?
    53. skipped multiple periods entirely?
    54. panicked that you might be pregnant because of a late period?
    55. panicked that you might be pregnant because of a late period even though it was physically impossible for you to be pregnant?
    56. taken an over-the-counter pregnancy test?
    57. taken a blood test to determine if you were pregnant?
    58. had cramps?
    59. had cramps so bad you didn’t attend a social event?
    60. had cramps so bad you called out of work/school?
    61. had cramps so bad you called out of work/school for a week?
    62. had cramps so bad you had to be hospitalized?
    63. had cramps so bad you vomited?
    64. had cramps that started a week before your period?
    65. experienced the period migraine?
    66. had cramps that extended into your thighs?
    67. had sharp, throbbing pain in your pubic bone or vulva?
    68. been so bloated you couldn’t fit into jeans?
    69. been so tired from your period you slept for longer than 10 hours?
    70. had intense back pain due to your period?
    71. had painful, heavy, swollen breasts?
    72. been diagnosed with PMDD?
    73. been diagnosed with endometriosis?
    74. exercised to alleviate period pain?
    75. taken the “period poop” and felt immense relief after?
    76. had “period diarrhea” and felt immense relief after?
    77. partially “give birth” to a tampon while pooping?
    78. sat over a toilet to let some blood drain out of you in an effort to alleviate cramps?
    79. peed on your period and turned the toilet water a beautiful sunset orange?
    80. accidentally dropped a menstrual cup in the toilet and had to fish it back out?
    81. accidentally dropped an unused tampon in the toilet and sacrificed it to the toilet gods?
    82. cried uncontrollably on your period?
    83. cried uncontrollably because of your period?
    84. raged uncontrollably on your period?
    85. raged uncontrollably because of your period?
    86. felt uncontrollably sensitive, frustrated, or despondent on your period?
    87. felt uncontrollably horny on your period?
    88. felt angry because you were horny while on your period and couldn’t do anything about it?
    89. said “fuck it” and masturbated anyway?
    90. said “fuck it” and had sex anyway?
    91. had shower sex to avoid staining things while on your period?
    92. designated a towel or sheet to have sex on while on your period?
    93. given a blow job because your vagina was “out of commission” during your period?
    94. had anal sex because your vagina was “out of commission” during your period?
    95. been eaten out while on your period?
    96. manipulated oral contraceptives so you could have sex?
    97. used homeopathic remedies to delay your period so you could have sex?
    98. had someone else insert a tampon for you?
    99. inserted a tampon for someone else?
    100. tasted your own period blood?
    101. collected period blood so you could use it for a practical joke?
    102. used your period blood to cast magical spells on your enemies?
    103. decorated your face with period blood and danced around summoning demons?
    104. baptized someone with your period blood?
    105. craved chocolate with such intensity you thought to yourself, “I am a walking parody of a woman?”

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