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25 Dead Giveaways That You’re An American Tourist In London

Written by me, an insufferable American tourist. posted on

1. You giggle everytime the tube announces the stop at Cockfosters.

Yep, they said “cock.”

2. You went all the way to King’s Cross just to take this photo:

And probably captioned it something to the effect of “BRB GOING TO HOGWARTS LOL.”

3. And you’ve held up traffic on Abbey Road taking this photo:

If photos came with sound bites, this one would sound like blaring car horns.

4. You forget to use your Oyster to exit the Tube and cause massive delays.

And a chorus of grumbles from disappointed commuters.

5. You mimic everyone’s accent.

And sometimes even throw in a “guv’nah” for good measure.

6. You hire a Boris Bike and ride it on the pavement so pedestrians have to dive out your way.

Oli Scarff / Getty Images

You can get a ticket for that (not that I know from personal experience)!

7. You assume all the barmen in London are really friendly but it’s just because you’re severely over-tipping them.

This goes for cab drivers too.

8. You look the wrong way before crossing the street.

Thank god for those “Look Left” signs in the street.

9. You hear people talking about football and you ask which NFL teams they like.

Please don’t try to convince anyone in England it’s called “soccer.”

10. You get disappointed when someone offers you a biscuit and doesn’t hand you one of these buttery, flaky delights:

I mean, cookies are cool too.

11. You’re the only one on the street without an umbrella when this happens:

Man, not even a hood?!

12. “JUST A PIC OF ME AT LONDON BRIDGE.”

No, this is not a pic of you at London Bridge.

13. You compliment someone’s pants and they look mortified.

“You like my what?”

14. You’re the only one talking above a whisper on the Tube.

Or you’re the only one talking at all on the tube.

15. You ask with utter sincerity when you’re going to see the queen.

You’re not going to see the queen.

16. You order your beer chilled because you heard horror stories about how they serve their drinks room temperature.

 

It’s cellar temperature, which is the same temperature they serve draughts in America.

17. And when you order tap water at a restaurant, you’re appalled there’s no ice in it.

“WHAT IS THIS, BATHWATER?”

18. You go to the newsagent just to check out the third page of The Sun.

ZOMG, BOOBS IN THE NEWS!

19. When an event starts at 18:00, you’re thrown into a panic.

18 - 12 = FREAK OUT TIME.

20. You comment how much fun it is to pay for everything with “Monopoly money.”

It comes in more than green. Imagine that!

21. When you ask for chips, you wonder what’s taking them so long to hand you a freaking packet.

You’ll learn later that you should have said “crisps.”

22. When you ask someone for the bathroom and they point to this sign, you repeat yourself.

“I said the bathroom, dude.”

23. Conversely when you hear a Londoner say they were in the toilet, you imagine this:

“Wait, wait, what were you doing in the toilet?!”

24. You ask when it’s tea time.

Whenever you feel like having tea, it’s tea time.

25. You get too drunk at the pub and attempt to start a round of “God Bless America.”

You’re the only one singing.

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