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This Is What Your Life Is Like If You Don’t Eat Chocolate

Just hand me the gummi bears and stop asking questions.

1. Most people out there love chocolate.

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You know who you are, you “chocoholics.”

2. But there are people that don’t eat chocolate, too.

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Typically people who don’t eat chocolate are doing it for two reasons: an allergy or a unique palate. Those claiming allergy are typically not allergic to the cocoa itself but another ingredient in the mixture (although cacao allergies do exist). Others just simply don’t like it in the same way you might not like coffee or Marmite.

3. When you don’t eat chocolate, people treat you weirdly.

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4. People always think that somehow Lent is involved in your non-chocolate eating.

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Jesus has nothing to do with this, unless he’s responsible for my lactose intolerance. Also, it’s August.

5. Halloween is never all that exciting.

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Your siblings? They love that you will automatically cede about 75% of your candy to them. You, in return, get stuck with their candy corn.

6. People will assume that you are “only doing this to yourself to lose weight.”

They will follow this up by saying that, “Fad diets don’t work” and “You have to indulge every once in a while,” but you will say, “I haven’t had any chocolate in 15 years” and “Yes, I will have fries with that.”

7. If your friends are having a birthday party, you will be offered some shoddy alternative to cake.

“I appreciate you really going out of your way to accommodate me,” you will say with a smile as you ingest your $0.35 pastry. This is, of course, if they happen to remember.

8. You will, inevitably, find yourself saying that you are allergic to chocolate.

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How about you don’t question me not eating chocolate and I won’t question you not eating gluten… Fair?

9. People will creepily try to tempt you or trick you into eating chocolate to prove a point.

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Let me just ask you something: if somebody said they were allergic to bee stings, would you test that out?

10. Dessert menus will only bring you heartbreak.

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Crême Brulée, Vanilla Ice Cream and Key Lime Pie are your only friends.

11. Gummi Bears will become a lifestyle.

BEST CANDY EVER

12. You will get really excited when you meet other non-chocolate eaters.

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“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

13. Forrest Gump will seem far less quotable.

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Let me make one thing clear: you do know what you are going to get in a box of chocolates… Chocolate.

14. People will try to diagnose you with a whole host of psychological disorders.

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I’m pretty sure I have vanillaisbetteritis. Have you heard of it?

15. Nutella will remain one of life’s great mysteries.

And that’s okay!

16. You will feel like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back every time somebody starts aggressively offering you chocolate items.

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Never underestimate the power of the dark side.

17. You will lead a perfectly normal life.

Don’t believe the hype. Not eating chocolate is okay. If you don’t agree, then who is the person with the real problem?

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