1. When you played “house” as a kid, you were always the pet. Or the single, wealthy aunt.
2. You’re not sure what’s so special about a 45-minute wait to eat a meal that costs too much.
3. Getting all dolled up to impress someone else seems a ridiculous waste of your time.
Wouldn’t it be more fun to wear matching sweat pants and catch up on The Walking Dead?
4. It feels wrong to you that people pluck unsuspecting flowers to give as gifts.
Why? To watch it wither and die in a vase?
5. To you, being swept off your feet sounds like a dangerous activity best left to professionals.
6. Sharing a bed seems more like an invasion of your personal space than a good time..
EVERY SIDE OF THE BED IS YOUR SIDE.
7. In your vernacular, “breakfast in bed” translates to “crumbs in sheets.”
8. Someone throwing rocks at your window isn’t romantic. It’s an accident waiting to happen.
9. Being serenaded sounds embarrassing and awful for everyone involved.
Unless J.T. himself is singing to you, you’re not interested.
10. It is beyond your comprehension how people can come up with so many obnoxious pet names.
11. You notice that most love letters are riddled with grammatical errors.
12. More thought has gone into your honeymoon than your actual wedding.
Traveling to exotic locations > suffering through a needlessly drawn-out ceremony.
13. You wonder if people get ear sweat during two hour “I miss you” telephone conversations.
14. So you’re supposed to spend all of your hard-earned cash to take someone else out? Does not compute.
15. You firmly believe that PDA is TMI.
16. Anytime someone opens a door for you, you suspect foul play.
17. It doesn’t seem logical to you to share your innermost feelings with someone you haven’t known long.
18. Receiving a mixtape/playlist means pretending to like songs you would never suffer through on your own.
19. In your opinion, a long walk on the beach sounds exhausting and messy.
20. Your solo dance moves are on point. A partner would just muck up the works.
21. Each romance novel or relationship help book you read incites several eye rolls.
So much for research.
22. You have a few serious, scientific questions about love but no one can answer them.
23. Honestly, the only romantic gesture you understand is the chocolatey kind.
Now THIS is love.
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