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The 29 Most American Things That Have Ever Happened

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO BLEED RED, WHITE, AND BLUE.

1. THIS FACT:

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, EUROPE.

2. THE ONLY ICE CREAM WORTH EATING. 50 SCOOPS, PLEASE:

AND GIMME SOME EXTRA FOR AMERICAN SAMOA AND GUAM.

3. OUR PROTECTOR-IN-CHIEF TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM:

4. PRIME NUMBERS. PRIME NUMBERS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE AMERICAN:

5. THE AMERICAN CALENDAR:

6. THIS BEAUTIFUL INSTANCE OF DIVINE AUTOCORRECT INTERVENTION:

7. COLBERT DEMONSTRATING WHAT AMERICA’S GREATEST GIFT IS:

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8. LOOKING LIKE THIS EVERY TIME THE NATIONAL ANTHEM COMES ON:

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9. THIS GRAPH BLEEDS AMERICA. 12-0:

10. OUR KITCHEN CABINET IS A LARGE BODY OF WATER:

11. DISEASE DOESN’T EXIST IN AMERICA:

12. THIS ESSAY WORD COUNT. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE ANYTHING LESS PATRIOTIC:

13. FEEDING THE CHILDREN:

14. THE PERFECT BILLBOARD COMBO. I KNOW WHAT I’M HAVING FOR DINNER:

15. THE ONLY RATING SCALE WITH WHICH YOU CAN PROPERLY RATE AMERICA:

16. THE PERFECT BEDTIME STORY AKA A DRAMATIC RETELLING OF THE CLASSIC FILM THE PATRIOT:

17. THE CHILDREN LEARNING WHAT THEY NEED TO LEARN:

18. THE ULTIMATE ONE ON ONE GAME:

19. THE ONLY JOKE THAT MATTERS:

20. THIS GORGEOUS FLAG MADE OUT OF AMERICA’S NUMBER ONE EXPORT:

21. AN AUSTRALIAN LEARNING WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT:

22. HOW HARRY POTTER WOULD’VE ENDED IN AMERICA:

23. ALWAYS BEING AT THE TOP OF THE ALPHABETICAL LIST OF COUNTRIES. THAT’S AMERICAN AS HELL:

24. THIS LIST STRAIGHT FROM KOREAN STUDENTS LEARNING ENGLISH ABROAD:

25. HULK HOGAN GIVING THE SOVIET FLAG A HEAD SANDWICH:

26. USING THE RIGHT FORM OF “THEY’RE.” DOESN’T GET MUCH MORE AMERICAN THAN THAT:

27. SLEEPING LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE NIGHT:

28. OL’ TOMMY J WRITING THE GREATEST BREAKUP LETTER EVER:

29. THE BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE OF A LIFETIME:

IN CONCLUSION:

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