I've Figured Out Why The Queen Always Has A Face Like A Smacked Arse

Furious with the amount of time and money wasted by Australians on the visit by Wills, Kate and the royal offspring, I've decided to get a few things off my chest about the royal family.

CHRIST! Imagine looking at this at bedtime.

buzzfeed.com

Why does the queen always look so unhappy?

It's because Prince Philip is the only man she's ever had sex with.

Take a look at the picture, would this get your juices flowing in the sack?

I hardly think so.

My loathing of the royal family began when I was an adolescent in my home town.

It was the seventies and the Queen and Philip had come for a visit.

More or less the whole town had come out to see them.

(Not me though, I had better things to do, probably at home wanking).

Anyway, my history teacher Mrs Ashwood was on the town council and she and her husband Dick were in the line up waiting to meet the royals.

Prince Philip drew level with Mrs Ashwood husband, and he decided to have a word with the commoners.

So he says to Dick, "How do you like being on the town council?".

There was a bit of shuffling and throat clearing, then they pointed out that MRS Ashwood was the town councillor.

Philip reared back like he had 2,000 volts through him.

"These bloody colonials", he seemed to be saying, "they let women be on the council, this will never do."

So he's sexist beyond belief.

He's also racist.

He has a lifetime of racial gaffes behind him.

He has used the terms "nigger", "wop", "dago" and "chink" in conversation, both public and private.

And since he is originally from Greece, and therefore a racist would call HIM a dago, this is so far over the top that it beggars belief.

The Prince's racism was best dealt with by Angus Deayton on the English show, "Have I Got New For You".

It was after the prince had called a Chinese national a "chink".

The palace, realizing that they had to counter the bad PR, launched a charm offensive.

As Angus said, "Does this mean the Queen is going to be charming, and the Prince is going to be offensive?"

Certainly turned out that way.

Then there is the progeny of Phil and Queenie.

First Charles came along, then another called Edward, followed by Andy, "Randy Andy", as he was commonly known.

I have a personal connection here.

When I was living in London I had a short, but tempestuous romance with a dancer of the London stage.

One Sunday we were in bed when she floored me by telling me that her last boyfriend had been Prince Edward.

He spent some time trying to make his way on the London stage, but he had a big problem, he had no talent.

Eventually he gave it up, but not before briefly going out with my dancer girlfriend.

From her telling of the story, she indicated he was gay, or at least bi-curious.

Whenever the expression, as good as the next man came up, I could say "Well I was certainly better than the previous man, that's for sure."

Edward is married now to some slag called Sophie.

What's more, judging from the racism and sexism alluded to above, I have no doubt Edward only got married to "prove" he wasn't gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, if Eddie would admit it, that would be the first courageous thing ever done by the royal family.

So why don't I like Sophie?

Because she had the word 'obey' reintegrated into her marriage vows.

So the sexism that stems from Philip down is rampant in her and Edward.

I'd love to see what happened to any man who asked his Australian fiance if she was planning to 'obey' him after they were married.

Well they wouldn't be married, that's for sure.

Finally, if I wasn't already incensed by the attention given to these inbred droolers, it was driven beyond endurance by the response of one of the fucking morons queuing to see Wills, Kate and the sprog in Brisbane.

Was she there to discuss the monarchy-republican debate, and its ramifications for Australia?

Fuck off.

When asked why was she here, the interviewee replied, "to see what Kate is wearing".

Among the almost infinite number of things that I hate about the royal family is the amount they spend on clothes.

And in a wider context, I am incensed in general by the amount spent by grade-A, fucking morons on clothes.

What's more, I have no doubt that Kate Middleton doesn't check the labels on the clothes she wears to make sure that they weren't produced in a sweatshop by Asian kids earning twenty cents a day.

Anyway, so there you have it, the queen is always walking around with a face like a smack arse because the only man she's ever had sex is Philip.

He's as stupid as George W. Bush and as sexually desirable as my unwashed gym socks, two weeks after I've found them in my closet.

See my other rants at Buzzfeed.

Australian Fashion Week: A Place For Fuckwits To Shop.

Stripped Down Nudes! Now That Is Flagrant False Advertising.