Stripped Down Nudes! Now That Is Flagrant False Advertising.
I didn't get what I expected from the ad, that's for sure and certain.
Otto and I were both misled by advertising!
I was watching TV the other night when an ad came on, "stripped down nudes", it said.
I sat bolt upright in my chair.
It was during Modern Family, around 6.15 in the evening, 'a bit early for that sort of thing', I thought, 'but I'll take it when I can get it'.
However, to my consternation it turned out that "stripped down nudes" is some kind of make up.
So I pulled my pants back up and put the massage oil away.
No free wank for me this night.
It reminded me of the Simpsons ep where Otto the dope smoking bus driver comes out of the Stoner's Pot Palace, a shop that sells kitchenware, and says, "Man, that is flagrant false advertising."
But then I got to musing about it.
Australian women, and I guess some men, spend, sorry, waste a lot of money on makeup every year.
$370 million on lotions and creams.
While one make up company, posted a profit of $4 billion.
That's profit, not even turnover.
To put that into context, the biggest power company in Australia with four million customers, posted a profit of $300 million.
So four billion that's a lot of money wasted by people who have been sold the advertising pup that they are ugly.
What's more, when I went over to the website of the rip-off merchants who peddle this particular product, I found another of makeups lurk's writ large.
What is this lurk?
I'll just digress first to get another example from the Simpsons that illustrates this all too clearly.
In the Episode where Lisa discovers that Jebediah Springfield is a fraud, she decides to tell the town.
So she has this made up into a flyer and goes down to the copy shop, to have a hundred flyers printed.
She has this conversation:
Lisa: "I'd like 25 copies on Goldenrod."
Clerk: "Right."
Lisa: "25 on Canary."
Clerk: "Mmhmm."
Lisa: "25 on Saffron."
Clerk: "All right."
Lisa: "And 25 on Paella."
Clerk: "Ok, 100 yellow."
And it's the same with lipstick, which these stripped down nudes are.
Sorry girls, but there's only two colours, (far as I can see) brown and red.
So when the make up company calls the Xingxu Weapons, Aeronautics and Paint company in China to get these particular lipsticks made up the conversation goes along similar lines.
Make up company person In Sydney: "Hi, I'd like to order some more lipstick."
Clerk: "OK, what do you want?"
Sydney: "1,000 autumn rustle".
Clerk: "Right".
Sydney: "1,000 Auburn glow".
Clerk: "Right".
Sydney: "1,000 Russet leaf".
Clerk: "Right".
Sydney: "And 1,000 coffee swirl".
Clerk: "OK, I'll start slaughtering the pigs and digging up the toxic waste we need for that."
They ring off and the clerk says to his sidekick, "OK, Sydney wants 4,000 brown".
As far as I can tell from my researches there are only seven colours.
The marketing company obviously spends most of their time making up different names to fool the buyer into buying 20 lipsticks instead of one.
And why don't we see those classic colours, 'baby poo brown', and 'puke green'?
HUH?
Also, the makeup industry does a lot of animal torture to get the slime off their shelves and onto your face.
Rabbits are used to see how caustic shampoos are in the eyes.
Pigs have makeup put on their faces to see how their skin reacts.
Mind you, that may explain some of the late night hookups that occurred in my drinking days.
And so I'll close with a tip.
Listen girls and effeminate men, save a lot of money on makeup by following this simple procedure.
Instead of buying foundation make up, use Zinc cream.
I was putting it on this morning to go for a surf and was amazed at how wrinkle-free and youthful I looked after slapping it on.
Costs $8 a tube, looks great, protects from skin cancer and comes in only eight colours, so you're not stuck at the counter trying to decide between 80 thousand different shades of red.
So break out of the rip-off cycle, don't buy makeup.
Spend your money on something useful.
And to the company whose ad started all this, next time you announce "stripped down nudes", I want to see some bare flesh.
See my other rants at Buzzfeed.
One Way To Beat Those Annoying Promos In The Corner Of Your Screen
Australian Fashion Week: A Place For Fuckwits To Shop.
I’ve Figured Out Why The Queen Always Has A Face Like A Smacked Arse
See how good my zinc cream makes me look!
More bizarre ranting at my blog
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