1. Your hobbies include dressing little girls like mini versions of yourself and forcing them to sing your songs.
2. You like to make everything you do look like a sexual act, because that's your brand.
3. You greet friends, family, and strangers with your tongue instead of the classic handshake because that's just reductive.
4. You've been known to walk around whipping butts with towels because you get a good chuckle out of it.
5. Naked women with tape over their nipples like to perform original choreo in your bathtub.
6. You invite Rita Ora to your parties because you know she needs the friends.
7. You're randomly friends with Chris Rock but no one knows why.
8. When you don't wanna walk, you just ride on people's backs to get you places.
9. And/or crawl.
10. Sometimes you don't see balloons so you trip over them...
11. ...but you never let the balloons win cuz you're a bad bitch.
12. You think everyone should have a room full of glow-in-the-dark sock puppets in their homes that they can dive into whenever they want.
13. You only know how to take off hats in really cool and iconic ways.
14. You have a rebel heart so you do things like pour drinks down people's mouths.
15. You like to convince others they're Madonna too.
16. You pour bottled water on people even though L.A. is in a drought because you're an unapologetic bitch.
17. You have Nicki Minaj's rapping head recorded for whenever you need to pull her out at parties.
18. But most importantly, you love to sweep carpet.
Sure, it's tiring, but someone's gotta be Madonna.
