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18 Ridiculously Awful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Action Figures

Clearly the TMNT toy line’s designers were like, “Fuck it, some kid will buy it.”

1. Crazy Clown Mike

 

Released as part of the “Bodacious Birthday” line, Crazy Clown Mike came complete with awesome weapons like birthday balloons and stilt legs – along with a painted face that was definitely holding back the tears of a clown.

It’s OK, Michelangelo, you can cry.

2. April, the Ravishing Reporter

By the looks of this toy, it should have been called “Friday Night at the Club April,” ‘cause it doesn’t look like she is doing any type of reporting. The toy also came with such sexist weapons as “Makeup Brush Battle Bo,” “Katana Blade Curling Iron,” and a “Lipstick Nunchaku.”

Bonus: You could also remove her skirt, which I am sure pre-pubescent boys loved.

3. Bandito-Bashin Mike

Released as part of the “Wacky Wild West Series” line, the toy managed to be both completely out of place in the TMNT canon and racially offensive.

4. Muckman

The worst thing about this villain turned Turtles’ friend action figure is that it was clearly a rip-off of Toxie from the Toxic Crusaders.

5. Sumo Raphael

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Were kids in the ‘90s really that into Sumo wrestling?! Seriously though, this toy’s existence is a WTF moment in TMNT toy history.

6. April, the Ninja Newscaster

I guess ninjas don’t wear much clothes. But, to be honest, the figure looks more like a sexy cavewoman than a crime-fighting ninja.

7. Pizza Tossin’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

 

I don’t think they were fighting criminals with pizza as much as scaring them off with their Large Marge cracked out faces.

8. King Lionheart

This toy looks more like the love child of a He-Man and a Lion-O action figure than something in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toy line. Apparently, he was some supposed to be a king to all the mutants in the TMNT universe.

Also, I think it’s safe to assume that the King Richard name reference probably went over most kids’ heads.

9. Burne

“Wow, April O’Neil’s boss is awesome. I can’t wait to get his action figure!” said NO kid ever, while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

10. Monty Moose

Talk about playing up stereotypes, the Turtles’ ally from the Great White North, Monty, also came with a trusty beaver sidekick named Bob. The only thing missing was to make him maple syrup scented as well.

11. Donatello Dracula

 

Donatello as Dracula was released as part of the TMNT’s “Universal Studios Monsters” crossover line, and while the Turtles got monster makeovers he was by far the most disturbing character. I mean look at those teeth!

This toy also raises the question: Whose blood was Dracula Don sucking on?

12. Hot Spot

The TMNT’s canine companion (did he even appear on the show?) was also dressed like a fireman-themed male stripper.

13. The Sewer Heroes

 

I guess the fact that they were mutated turtles wasn’t superhero-y enough? Also, if they have superhero powers why would they need a gun?

This toy might also have one of the most WTF descriptions of any TMNT toy:

“He’s hangin’ a rappin’ ‘n scratchin’ turntable to squelch the sewer scum from here to kingdom come. Ooze, baby, ooze!”

14. Halfcourt

I don’t know exactly how the Turtles’ giraffe friend is supposed to help them fight crime? Maybe with his basketball skills?

15. Farmer Turtles

This is just so random, at no point in the series did the Turtles ever take up farming. I’d say this is the lamest themed TMNT toy series.

16. Rappin’ Mike

Released as part of the “Rock ‘N Rollin’ Turtles” series, the toy came complete with turntable, microphone nunchukus, and “Mike Raps” knuckle rings.

17. Turtle Trolls

 

A crossover between two of the biggest toy trends of the early ’90s should be a fun no-brainer, unfortunately these toys were too much Troll dolls and not enough TMNT.

Also, they are just plain creepy looking.

18. Star Trek: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Perhaps the strangest crossover of the entire TMNT toy line. I don’t really think kids were clamoring for a crossover between the Turtles and a then 25-year-old TV series.

And most weird of all, they put hair on the Turtles. HAIR.

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