It Seems The Entire USA Men’s Basketball Olympic Team Has Called In Sick

Strained knees, bad ankles, long-term alien-discovery projects: everyone’s bailing.

It started with Dwight Howard, who dropped off the USA Basketball roster months before its scheduled gold-medal defense in London after back surgery. Then Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh got banged up in the playoffs, and today Anthony Davis broke an ankle in what was unfortunately not the cool streetball sense of the term. And now, Buzzfeed Sports has learned, every single remaining player on the team has also dropped out, leaving USA men’s basketball honcho Jerry Colangelo standing sadly in his office wondering what he’s going to do with all the party-sized Snickers he bought for training camp. Below, what our insider sources say are the reasons for the other team members’ cancellations.

2. Carmelo Anthony

Abdominal paralysis.

Image by Mike Ehrmann / Getty Images

3. Kobe Bryant

Nasal heart attack.

Image by Jeff Gross / Getty Images

4. Tyson Chandler

Fear of snakes.

Image by Andrew Innerarity / Reuters

5. Kevin Durant

Stepdad won’t let him quit summer job at Arby’s.

Image by Brett Deering / Getty Images

6. Rudy Gay

Ate a dog’s homework.

Image by Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

7. Eric Gordon

Strained “qualf.” (Insists that “qualf” is an actual body part.)

Image by Harry How / Getty Images

8. Blake Griffin

Nasal qualf strain.

Image by Mark J. Terrill / AP

9. James Harden

Believes his homemade device is only days away from contacting the moon people.

Image by Sue Ogrocki / AP

10. Andre Iguodala

Has unshakeable feeling that his espionage work on behalf of moon people is only days away from being revealed by an Oklahoma man with a beard.

Image by Nam Y. Huh / AP

11. LeBron James

Summer job at Moon Arby’s.

Image by John Paul Filo / AP

12. Kevin Love

Paralyzed with obsessive-compulsive fear that he at one point accidentally pronounced the “Negro” in “Vinny Del Negro” the racist way in front of a black person.

Image by Rick Bowmer / AP

13. Lamar Odom

Couldn’t find cat-sitter.

Image by Chris Trotman / Getty Images

14. Chris Paul

Fell in love with frog princess, failed to understand complicated kissing instructions, became frog.

Image by Rich Pedroncelli / AP

15. Russell Westbrook

Suffering from venereal disease colloquially known as “cowboy’s gulch.”

Image by Rich Pedroncelli / AP

16. Deron Williams

Helping Lamar find his cat-sitter. That guy just disappeared.

Image by Ronald Martinez / Getty Images