25 Life Lessons “Baywatch” Taught Us

Baywatch didn’t become the most-watched show in the world without teaching us a thing or two about life along the way.

1. Running in slow-motion is the fastest way to get from point A to point B in an emergency.

2. CPR always works.

Screw the medical journals that say CPR is only 5-10% successful!

3. At most beaches, you’re more likely to encounter eco-terrorists, yacht pirates, arms dealers, and/or diamond smugglers than you are to drown.

4. A real lifeguard can handle sharks, salt-water crocodiles, giant octopi, Portuguese men ‘o war, electric eels, *and* Geraldo Rivera.

5. Don’t express your feelings in words when a perfectly good montage set to ’90s soft rock will do.

Bonus points if it’s Enya.

6. In addition to rescuing swimmers, lifeguards are trained to deliver babies, disarm nuclear devices, and judge bikini contests.*

*Note: typically in the same day

7. Women have breasts. Large, beautiful breasts.

A fact “Baywatch” really, really wants us to know.

8. Posing for “Playboy” may hurt your reputation at work.

In “Buried,” Donna faces disciplinary action when she poses in (and out) of her red bathing suit for “Playboy.” Fortunately, Donna learned the hard way so that we didn’t have to. Note: the episode used Donna D’Errico’s real-life “Playboy” cover, in a rare instance of art imitating life imitating smut.

9. Australians are devious and can’t be trusted.

Will Caroline ever learn?

10. Don’t trust characters played by three different actresses, either.

All trouble.

11. The Santa Ana winds make people horny.

Remember in “Red Wind,” when the winds blow a tarot card onto C.J.’s breasts, and those hippies make her their leader? And then that swimmer takes off her top, and that old couple start having sex on the beach? Take notes, “Downton Abbey.”

12. There’s a “Charlie’s Angel” in all of us.

“Baywatch Angels” was actually a pretty clever episode by any standard.

13. Don’t even think about committing a crime on the beach, bro.

You will be caught!

14. The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.

NBC cancelled “Baywatch” after it’s first season!

15. History always repeats itself.

Remember season 9, when they started ripping off old episodes?

16. Mermaids, ghosts, aliens, Santa’s elves, and “Gilligan’s Island” are all real.

And make for great episodes!

17. And on “Baywatch Nights,” mummies, vampires, werewolves, demons, and sea monsters are real, too.

And make for terrible episodes.

18. Lifeguards can drown, too — but only if they’re in the middle of a personal tragedy or crisis.

19. The world could use more Yasmine Bleeth.

The world went to hell after she disappeared from our TV screens. Think about it.

20. Children who come to the beach are usually handicapped, orphaned runaways, and/or dying of cancer.

Mila Kunis in one of her first TV roles… I think she plays a blind girl in this one.

21. In their spare time, lifeguards take odd jobs as fashion designers, supermodels, film directors, soap stars, supernatural detectives, stunt doubles, marine biologists, “dancers,” and Olympic athletes.

22. Lifeguards are prone to gambling addictions, eating disorders, and opioid dependence, and they require at least two episodes to be cured completely.

23. If you’re lifeguarding without a dolphin, you’re not doing it right.

24. A mustache never goes out of style.

25. And lastly, anyone can be a “Baywatch” lifeguard if they put their mind to it!

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