1. Ex-professional football players don’t take odd jobs as RAs.
Your RA is more likely to be an unbearable theater arts major or a self-loathing physics grad student.
2. Your freshman dorm room won’t be a kick-ass two-bedroom apartment.
You live in a shoe box made of cinder blocks freshman year.
3. You won’t have all your classes with all your roommates in the same lecture hall.
And if you do, it’s not like any of you will actually go.
4. Fraternities aren’t DoubleDare.
And the only “physical challenge” is funneling a 40.
5. Your high school girlfriend won’t suddenly show up as your new roommate.
Good thing that other girl moved out in between episodes!
6. Your on-campus cafeteria isn’t an intimate bistro.
And most people go in pajamas, smelling like Busch Lite and shame.
7. Your student health clinic isn’t a level-one trauma center.
It’s where you go for free condoms and the occasional gonorrhea/chlamydia test.
8. Your hunky professors aren’t interested in dating you.
They just want to sleep with you once or twice.
9. Showing up to a campus party with the university mascot isn’t something to be ashamed of.
Co-eds will be buying you drinks all night, bro!
10. Cast members from Night Court don’t show up with turkeys if you stay on campus for Thanksgiving.
The same goes for Blossom cast members, Brian Austin Green, and your high school principal.
11. College professors don’t go to your dorm room to die.
They die drunk and alone, surrounded by scattered pages of their unfinished novel.
12. Raves don’t spontaneously happen after hours in lecture halls.
Although the part about Screech bringing nitrous oxide is sadly accurate.
13. You’ll never cook freshman year.
Unless you count making Top Ramen on a hot plate at 2AM.
14. Hunky alumni football stars don’t need to Photoshop their pin-up posters.
This was probably cutting-edge trickery in 1993.
15. You have more off-campus housing options than just condemned crack dens.
Although wherever you end up may eventually turn into a condemned crack den.
16. The dad from Wizards of Waverly Place won’t be one of your poker buddies.
Although you may still find him hanging around your dorm.
17. American Gladiators don’t teach on-campus self-defense classes.
You’re lucky if you get a rape whistle.
18. The Dean of Students won’t take the time to meddle in your love life.
Unless it’s in one of her countless mass e-mails you immediately delete.
19. You won’t be best friends with all your roommates.
Instead, you’ll gradually get more passive-aggressive until you finally stop speaking to one another, except for the occasional “liked” Facebook status years later.