1. You worry people make fun of your possibly out-of-date cell phone.
Do you have an iPhone 5s yet?!
2. You feel guilty consuming anything with caffeine.
You’re so scared…of that second cup of coffee.
3. You have trouble forming close friendships, because you think people are easily replaceable.
Oh, hey, Tori.
4. You’re suspicious of cleaning ladies.
You just know they’re either stealing your valuables or secretly recording your impromptu a capella jam sessions.
5. You’re self-conscious about how you look working out at the gym.
“Put your mind to it, go for it… Get down and break a sweat.”
6. You don’t trust anyone to watch your pets when you go on vacation.
“Oh, Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing…”
7. Whenever something good happens to you, you immediately suspect you’re on Candid Video.
8. You can’t rock out in your living room without the fear of breaking something valuable.
Not to mention the fear that someone might be spying on you.
9. You don’t trust your significant other to work late with attractive co-workers.
Go back to the Attic, Jeff!
10. You don’t like to be set up on blind dates, out of fear it will be your best friend in drag.
11. You’re disillusioned by celebrities.
Dumb. Stupid. Crazy. Dangerous. Stinks.
12. You don’t know how to resolve conflicts without a wheelbarrow race, dance-off, and/or bake-off.
Your all-red and all-blue sweats would just sit in your closet otherwise.
13. You avoid financial investments, out of fear they will backfire horribly and/or ironically.
Insider tip: Don’t buy a spaghetti sauce recipe without first reading the Betsy Crocker cookbook…or at least an income statement.
14. You can’t maintain a healthy relationship without advice from a hotline.
Thanks, Teen Line, but where’s Adult Line?
15. You have unrealistic expectations about your time-management abilities.
Are you sure you’re saying “Time out!” correctly?
16. You treat your electronic devices like friends and cry when they don’t love you back.
Is your Kindle named Kevin?