stpatricks

12 Snakes That Are Not Looking Forward To St. Patrick’s Day

But can you blame them? Saint Patrick supposedly drove all the snakes from Ireland, after all. The holiday is imbued with horrifyingly speciesist, anti-snake sentiment. IMBUED.

1. In anticipation of snake-hating, stompy St. Patrick’s celebrants who may have had a little too much to drink, this snake has donned protective armor.

Back up plan: “Oh, I’m not a snake, sir. I’m a very long dinosaur.”

2. These snakes are clandestinely organizing a St. Patrick’s Day’s protest in remembrance of the Great Serpent Diaspora.

It’s ssssssssssecret. Don’t give their hiding place away.

3. This snake purchased a tiny hat in the hopes that it would make him more appealing to anti-snakeists.

I mean, who can hate anything wearing a tiny hat?

4. This poor snake’s family was exiled from Ireland centuries ago. Now he seeks asylum from the inevitable green-clad mob among sympathetic mammals.

“If you let me crash at your place I’ll pitch in for utilities.”

5. This snake is SHOCKED, just SHOCKED, that we’d glorify anyone who is so speciesist. Isn’t it the 21st century, after all?

SHOCKED. DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS SHOCKED?

6. This snake worries that his naturally orange coloring (the anti St. Patrick’s color!) will cause him a double dose of grief, and has disguised himself with a head-to-toe sweater.

What do we have against gingers again?

7. As a citizen reporter, this snake plans to blog about any abhorrent anti-snake activity that occurs as a result of St. Patrick’s Day.

And you better believe it will go viral.

8. GENTLEMAN SNAKE IS TOO FANCY TO CARE IF YOU HATE HIM. But nonetheless, he’d appreciate a relatively quiet St. Patrick’s Day this year, OK?

Gentleman Snake will forgive you if you’re drunk off your ass, though. He’s just that kind of guy.

9. This snake is trying to play up Saint Valentine in the hopes that we’ll just forget about Saint Patrick.

Anyone want a cup full of scaly love?

10. Whereas this snake is ready to skip ahead to Easter.

There’s no snakes here, only us rabbits.

11. These snakes are so tense about the impending holiday that they literally have their tails in a twist.

In case you ever wondered where Rogue got that expression from.

12. This snake rented a tuxedo JUST to attend a Washington D.C. party where he hopes to sway senators into passing extra protective measures for snakes on St. Patrick’s Day.

EXTREME TIMES CALL FOR EXTREME MEASURES AND TAILORS THAT MAKE TUXES FOR BOA CONSTRICTORS.

This year, for the snakes, celebrate responsibly.

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