1. Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.
2. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one… …he’s never gonna give you Up.
3. Why was the soldier pinned down? He was under a tack.
4. My penis was in the guinness book of world records… …until I got kicked out of the library.
5. Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.
6. What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
7. Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.
8. Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.
9. Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
10. I went to a zoo, and the only animal there was a dog… …it was a shitzu.
11. I’m inventing a new glue and calling it James Bond… …it’s a chemical agent.
12. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.
13. What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a crisis?
14. I can see 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
15. To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word.
16. Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
17. They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O.
18. What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.
19. Why don’t you ever see Hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really fucking good at it.
20. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
21. What’s the difference between a Greyhound depot full of old people and a crab with big boobs? One’s a crusty bus station, and the other’s a busty crustacean.
22. What did the farmers wife say when he told her he was afraid to grow vegetables? JUST GROW A PEAR!
23. What do you call someone that doesn’t fart in public? A private tutor.
24. I was going to buy a pocket calculator… …but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
25. Why did Oedipus refuse to use profanity? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
26. I want to give a special thanks to sidewalks… …for keeping me off the streets.
27. Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.
28. What font is alphabet soup in? Times New Ramen.
29. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
30. What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.
31. What rock group has four members who don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
32. What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite form of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE!
33. I met a girl at a soccer game… …I think she’s a keeper.
34. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it!
35. Went to the opticians the other day, guess who I bumped into. Everyone.
36. If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, what would his album be called? Algorithms.
37. I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
38. What did the angry doctor say? I’m losing my patients!
39. Just saw the Lego movie… Seemed a bit pieced together to me.
40. I put my root beer into a square glass… …now it’s just beer.
41. So I used to be addicted to soap… …but I’m clean now.
42. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bedtime.
43. I don’t trust graphs… …they’re always plotting something.
44. What’s the fastest dairy product in the West? Milk, because it’s pasteurised before you see it.
45. What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where’s popcorn?
46. Midwives… …really help people out.
47. What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat.
48. Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
49. What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
50. A book fell on my head… …I guess I only have my shelf to blame.
51. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
52. Do not trust atoms… …they make up everything.
53. What would you call a lycanthrope who didn’t know they were one? An Unawarewolf.
54. How did the hipster burn her tongue? She ate her soup before it was cool.
55. What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
56. Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
57. What would Israel be called if it wasn’t real? Isfaek.
58. I used to have a fear of speed bumps… …but I slowly got over it.
59. Why is the pirate alphabet longer than the English? Because there are seven C’s.
60. What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
61. Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
62. Did you know I have a step ladder? Yeah, it’s a shame. I never knew my real ladder.
63. What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.
64. I broke my finger today… …but on the other hand, I’m completely fine.
65. Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
66. The invention of the shovel… …was ground breaking.
67. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?