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18 Local News Stories That Could Only Happen In A Small Town

Every day is a slow news day when you’re from a small town.

1. No deaths this week? Just print a terrifying portent instead.

2. Most high school graduations aren’t really newsworthy. Unless your graduating class is all of one dude.

3. No witnesses to interview? Just get a quote from one of the trees instead.

4. An editor read the pitch for this and thought, “Let’s give this story half a page.”

5. Remember: If it bleeds, it leads. Also, if it’s lasagna.

6. Sounds like illegal incarceration to me. Everyone deserves their day in court. Even naughty cats.

7. That’s really the best answer they got?

8. That’s not a crime. That’s a favor.

9. They somehow managed to make this into a full 175-word story. Astounding.

10. Guess somebody wasn’t happy with his job performance supervising that walking path construction.

11. Your tax dollars hard at work.

12. They’re burying the lede a bit here, the lede being LOCAL PSYCHOPATH HAS WORKING CANNON AND WILL DEFINITELY SHOOT IT AT YOU.

13. Well thank god for that. The world definitely needs more raccoons.

14. And judging from the photo they ran with the story, they threw a party to celebrate.

15. Yes. Definitely a lot.

16. Someone needs to put a stop to these menacing adolescents.

17. I see what you did there, local paper editor.

18. Never cross a small-town news reporter.

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