1. In Hackney you'll encounter some hardcore neighbourhood feuds.
2. And some vicious coffee snobs.
3. Who have no time for pensioners.
4. There are some rather unfriendly hairdressers.
5. Then again it's Hackney. Lopsided haircuts aplenty!
6. But the harsh Hackney weather conditions = many wig casualties.
7. Hackney doesn't take part in trendy food crazes. They have their own delicacies.
8. Locals love chowing down on the good stuff.
9. There are a lot of fashionable pop ups but everything will be sold out by the time you tweet about it.
10. Even last year's Christmas tree was steeped in fashion.
11. You'll see a lot of fixed speed bikes.
12. But some people go the extra mile.
13. A large part of Hackney is inhabited by alien folk.
14. Allegedly they come from an intergalactic portal located on this Hackney Wick bridge.
15. Where normal units of time don't apply.
16. Forget City Lit. Hackney has a lot of unique courses on offer.
17. And some VERY strange career opportunities.
18. Hackney Hipsters are constantly trying to out hipster each other no matter how old they are.
19. Luckily there are safety precautions in place to protect the hipsters from themselves.
20. People in Hackney are often overly polite.
21. But the place is rife with conflicting messages.
22. There are dogs who dress better than you ever will.
23. There are children who dress better than you ever will.
24. They rock backpacks better than you ever will.
25. In fact Hackney kids are better than you in every aspect.
26. Hackney street art = inspirational.
27. You might get proposed to if you're lucky.
28. In Hackney there's a lot of old men lighting fires.
29. And girls who eat the fires.
30. There are a crap load of mattresses lying around Hackney.
31. And they love a good pun.
32. There's suicidal wildlife.
33. Buildings that look like a rainbow jizzed all over them.
34. Hackney is essentially purgatory.
35. But at least their bins exhibit a sense of humour.
36. And they're social media savy.
So get your asses over to Hackney
Unless your name is Tesco of course.
