1. You know that some Jews live outside of North West London. But that doesn’t stop them being a very rare breed.
2. Your family has subscribed to this for as long as you can remember.
Your Grandma reads the whole thing. Your parents read it to find out who has died. You used to know the bar and bat mitzvah kids. And now you know the people who are getting married.
3. You fully intend to marry a Jew, but you’ve stopped telling people that because they look at you like you’re racist.
You’re worried they might be right.
4. Every time you meet a Jewish person of your age, you spend five minutes discussing who you have in common. Ninety percent of the time, you’ll then find out you’re related.
This is annoying, as that’s one more person you can’t marry.
5. At least one of your friends became Orthodox on year course, got married and now has a baby.
You’re a bit jealous, because they get to have a baby. What’s your excuse?
7. If you were in a Facebook relationship with bacon, it would be “complicated”.
Even kosher Jews admit that nothing smells better, or cures hangovers more effectively, than bacon. So basically you’re vegetarian. Except for seafood because mussels and lobster and oysters and oy gevult, it’s complicated. As long as you’re kosher in front of your Grandpa, you’re fine.
8. Talking of food, there are few things you love more than Chabad.
9. Except maybe smoked salmon. This is basically what the inside of your fridge looks like.
Americans, this is not called lox.
10. One word: TOUR.
Yes, that’s me on the right. Yes, I’m in a Bedouin tent. Yes, I probably kissed someone that night. And yes, I’m sure he was a nice, Jewish boy. Man, I miss tour.
11. You feel very defensive about what you do on Christmas Day.
No, we’re not supposed to celebrate it. Yes, we feel left out. IT’S FINE YOU CAN GET KOSHER TURKEY, OK?
12. You never pulled sickies to get out of school, because you had to save them up for Cheder.
You still can’t believe your parents made you go to school on Sundays.
13. You have an uncle whose favourite fact is that EVERYONE famous is Jewish.
Daniel Radcliffe wasn’t just chosen to be a wizard, he’s one of the Chosen People. Also of note are: Ali G; Daniel Day Lewis; Natalie Portman; Kat Dennings; Lena Dunham and Jesus. They are all “one of the tribe”.
14. You have another uncle who is always right about the situation in the Middle East.
The best way to deal with him to distract him with food.
15. That said, you still get really nervous every time Israel is mentioned on the BBC.
16. You don’t even bother asking Jewish couples how they met.
And, of course, you know how to spot Jews on Tinder. Mutual friends.
17. You’re secretly quite excited about visiting JW3, but you’re not sure how cool that is.
But even if it’s not cool, the food at Zest is supposed to be amazing. Even Jay Rayner says so.
18. There is at least one other denomination of British Judaism you are completely bewildered by.
19. Apart from when people are antisemitic towards them, in which case you’ve totally got their back.
20. So, even thought we’re a varied bunch, we’ll always all have Carmelli’s, easyJet flights to TLV, and a British take on Jewish guilt.
21. And of course, despite being a tiny population of just 260,000 (that’s 0.5% of the UK population), we share in something so much bigger, something most of the other 14 million Jews around the world do: chicken soup.
OK, also the Torah. But mostly chicken soup. Nom.