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I’ve never bought a celebrity fragrance, but they’re EVERYWHERE, obviously. Am I missing out by not at least trying them? Are any actually good?
Smelling all of them would be like trying on every shade of neon bra in Victoria’s Secret, so I can’t say for sure they all suck. But there has to be ONE that’s not bad, right? Of the samples I’ve gotten, I remember Beyoncé; Heat, Snooki’s perfume, and Jordin Sparks’s fragrance being especially not my cup of tea — like the Qreams of the perfume world. For some reason these fragrance companies seem to think that celebrities need to put their names on only incredibly sweet-smelling perfume, like a liquified maple syrup with a dash of bathtub cleaner for “spice.” I can only hope that these things begin to smell different on the skin over the course of a day — less like a Kraft product and more like naturally occurring things. Say, flowers.
The talk of the celebrity perfume world right now is Lady Gaga’s fragrance, the gestational period for which is just about over, it seems. She tweeted a photo of it the other day:
It doesn’t sound like something you’d want to spray on your skin, close to your face — though it sounds better than it did when it was just a rumor (that held it would be called “Monster” and smell like “blood and semen”). The actual product is apparently called “Lady Gaga Fame: Black Fluid.” Gaga says she “had a little bit too much [red wine]” when she wrote the ingredients list. This also makes no sense because ingredient lists for perfumes aren’t supposed to be works of fiction — they’re supposed to tell people what the fragrances actually smell like. You know, be USEFUL to shoppers. Anyway, here’s her list:
Tears of Belladonna, crushed heart of tiger orchidea, with a black veil of incense, pulverized apricot, and the combinative essences of saffron and honey drops.
See! Honey drops. I bet this smells like the rest of the cakey sweet celegrances, but at least you can from all this theater that she was involved in making it, unlike a lot of celebrities who put their names on products. I don’t know why but I sort of doubt the fragrance company was like “HAUS LABORATORIES!” “BLACK LIKE THE SOUL OF FAME!” THAT’S DEFINITELY OUR JAM. etc.
But overly heavy celeb involvement also makes it dangerous. For, “Lady Gaga Fame: Black Fluid” and those little verses she put on the box to describe the scent are a book, not a perfume. Or not even a book really, but those little pamphlets with song lyrics that used to come in the plastic covers of CDs. That’s what this bottle of black spray is.
But I encourage you to really smell around to find the perfume that’s right for you. As much as these famous people don’t need your money, there’s also a delicious irony about buying and wearing a celebrity fragrance if you actually find one that’s nice. Imagine: “You smell good today. What perfume is that?” “Oh, the Jennifer Aniston kind.” (For the record, Fashionista reported it does smell good.) Yes, it’s just a matter of time before celebrity fragrances become to the cool kid world what acid wash jeans and high-waisted pants have become: unacceptable and therefore cool.