1. Yooooooooo
2. It's here!
3. Finally got that sweet, sweet Apple Watch!
4. This package is very oblong.
5. Very oblong indeed. Not what I expected. I thought it would be a square or something.
6. Anyway let's get this thing open without damaging the packaging.
7. Shit's like a mint pack of Pokémon cards, you know? Can't be damaging the packaging.
8. Yoooooo.
9. It's gorgeous. Look at that slick lil' thang.
10. There's a hard case in addition to the box. Very smart.
11. The better to protect the product, my dear.
12. Pop that plastic case open and -OOP!
13. I opened it upside down and the watch almost fell out.
14. There really should be some kind of "this side up" thing on the plastic case.
15. You know, to prevent that.
16. -looks at case-
17. I guess in retrospect I should have noticed that the Apple logo is on the top side of the case. But still. It was in very low relief.
18. MOVING ON. The unveiling.
19. Ooooooh. Aaaaaaah.
20. Whatever, I just want to peel the plastic off the watch face.
21. Good god that feels amazing. Comes off in one sheet like whoa.
22. Oh there's more plastic to peel off the strap.
23. TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. YES.
24. Let's get it on!
25. You know what I mean. Not like that.
26. I'm going to have to get really good about putting this on by myself, aren't I?
27. Give me a few days, I'm sure I'll be a pro.
28. Gotta hold that on button for a little bit to make sure it got the message. Turn on, please turn on...
29. Yeah baby! I see you, Apple logo! So shiny and bright. We're in business now.
30. ....soon...
31. ...any second now...
32. Yes, I speak English.
33. Yes, I am right-handed.
34. WOOHOO. Time to start pairing. How do I pair it with my phone? Is this going to be hard?
35. Oh I just press this button? And open the app on my phone?
36. Cool cool.
37. But what about the actual syncing process how do I- WHOA.
38. NO WAY.
39. THAT'S SO COOL.
40. There's like this magical galaxy that pops up on the Apple Watch screen and you hold it up to your phone's camera and your phone recognizes the galaxy and pairs up in like two seconds.
41. I LIVE IN THE FUTURE.
42. Now everything is paired up and I – *ding*
43. That's a notification. How do I turn the sound off?
44. *ding*
45. Everyone is looking at me now. I need to change the settings. Magical bubble landscape on my wrist please tell me how to get to – *ding*
46. It's vibrating against my wrist send help.
47. *ding*
48. Ok whew, I learned how to turn off sounds. Settings -> Sounds & Haptics -> Mute
49. And now I can check my Twitter and my Instagram and my Messages and how much I stand or sit or exercise and can order Seamless and look at Yelp...all from my wrist.
50. This is the beginning of a beautiful techno-friendship.
51. What's this little circle thing?
52. Activity goals? I haven't had activity goals since I was applying to college.
53. You're asking me my height, weight, and age? That's fucking rude, Apple.
54. Now you want to know what level of activity I'm comfortable with? Is Netflix an activity?
55. We'll say "moderate" because I'm not completely sessile. Light activity is for sea cucumbers.
56. *vibrate*
57. OK that's less intrusive than the *ding* but it's still going to take a while to get used to that.
58. You want me to...stand up? Why? What purpose will that serve?
59. Don't tell me what to do.
60. I mean...I guess I could go recycle my water bottle across the office but...
61. Ok. I'm going. I'm walking. Are you happy now, Watch?
62. *vibrate*
63. The Watch is appeased. Thank you for the objective, Watch Lord.
64. Wait what?
65. Oh god, it's conditioning me. It's conditioning all of us. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!