1. Your face becomes your ID.
Beer tastes better when your friends have to prove they’re allowed it.
2. People start buying you beard-related gifts.
Because conditioner suddenly becomes a fun present when it’s for your face…
3. You never need to think of another awkward icebreaker.
From now on, people come to you.
4. People will want to touch your face.
And you will let them, because you’ve never known attention like this before.
5. You battle the dreaded “itchy phase.”
You can do it. I BELIEVE IN YOU.
6. No matter what color your hair is, it will go ginger.
And everyone will tell you about it.
7. You become more intelligent.
Well, people will think you are, and that’s all that matters…
8. You discover your “beard idol.”
And you will make it your life’s goal for your facial hair to look even half as good.
9. You forget what your actual face looks like.
The answer: not as good as it does now.
10. You develop a strong affinity with nature.
Feel the salty breeze rush through your flowing face locks and discover true joy.
11. You realize that if you shave, you will look at least three years younger than you did before you grew your beard.
Yet another reason why the razor is an evil beast.
Smugness happens. And why shouldn’t it? You look great.
13. You get an irresistible urge to stick things in it.
Like this awesome dude, who’s done it with everything from little bow ties to flaming matches.
14. People get jealous.
They want it. You got it.
15. Need a snack? No problem.
Now you can conveniently carry your food around hands free.
16. You imagine how you might look with just the mustache.
Bad. You would look bad.