We need to talk about words.
Sericious, voluptuous, velvety words versus unctuous, lubricious, oleaginous words versus words we want to bury in the deepest part of the ocean, where fish have feet where their eyes should be and everything is woven from nightmares and garbage and smells like a Panera bathroom right before closing time.
So, please, don’t even think about saying…
To quote Liz Lemon, wordsmith and garbage food enthusiast, “Oh, that word bums me out unless it’s in between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’”
And like that pizza, this word is greasy and has a crust forming on its outer edges.
This word has a white film forming on its tongue.
This word is winking at you while licking its lips.
You accidentally brushed up against this word, and its fingers felt like a wet paper bag full of raw clams.
There is a soft hissing sound emanating from this word, but you can’t tell from where or why.
This word has a growth next to its nose, and it moves when it talks.
(Also, if you’re using this word earnestly, you will embarrass yourself. There is no way not to.)
This word is close-talker that has spittle forming at the corners of its mouth.
This word is chair dancing to a Pitbull song and doesn’t notice it has toilet paper stuck to its shoe. Wet toilet paper.
This word took a gamble and lost and now has to find the nearest Forever 21 for a change of pants.
This word has a giant yellowy-green stain on its blouse. And its spreading.
This word is twirling a lock of your hair around a single long, dirty finger nail.
This word has one long nose hair brushing against your cheek.
14. Nom Nom
This word just picked something out of its ear and is rolling it on a table while smiling at you.
This word sniffs your things when you leave the room.
16. Baby (to someone who is not, in fact, a baby)
This word has a thick toe nail that’s turning various types of beige.
17. Mommy (to someone who is not, in fact, your mother)
This word thinks you look beautiful while you’re sleeping.
This word wishes it could collect your toenail clippings.