1. Sing songs about Miami to someone from Miami.
If we have to hear some basic break into a cacophonous rendition of Will Smith’s “Miami” one. more. time…
2. Ask if Miami is like it looks on any TV show about Miami.
Yup, one out of every three Miamians is actually David Caruso.
4. Ask if we know Pitbull.
He’s Worldwide, boo boo. He belongs to us all now.
6. Oh, and ever mistaking Ft. Lauderdale for Miami.
7. Call Miami “tacky.”
It’s “rococo” and I’m sorry that you’re not on this level.
8. Call Miami “uncultured.”
Miami’s unique melding of different cultures and the fact that it’s a crossroads between the U.S. and a number of other (particularly Latin American) countries makes it a fantastic place to experience diverse forms of art, dance, film, food, literature, theater, music, and more.
9. Ask us if people truly are hotter in Miami.
For the last time:
Yes. Of course.
10. Say people in Miami “talk funny.”
It’s called an accent, bb.
11. Complain about how much Spanish is spoken here.
It’s a bilingual city, and that’s part of what makes it amazing, you sinvergüenza.
12. Quote Scarface.
Let me guess: Your “little friend” is a euphemism for something else. You’re so clever, boo.
13. Make jokes about older people who move here.
Like you wouldn’t want to retire in paradise?
14. Assume that Miami is basically the set of a music video.
Miami is like 87% suburban teens hanging outside of a Panera.
15. Try to co-opt our vocabulary.
What do you even think of life?
17. Complain about the humidity.
I feel you, my love, but there’s no fighting it. Walking in Miami is like constantly swimming upstream.
18. Call Miami “The South.”
Nah. We’re the tropics. A little bit of the Caribbean in the continental U.S. Get into it.
20. Inform us that you’re “in Miami, bitch.”
You are my nightmare.
21. Try to convince us that this isn’t an amazing city full of great people.
From Little Haiti to Little Havana, the Grove to the Gables, downtown to Overtown, suburban McMansions to old-style Miami bungalows, Miami is a diverse place full of lots to do and see. And its most important feature? The people who call it home.
There’s no place else quite like it.