1. I'm engaged!
2. Oh god. I'm engaged.
3. This means a wedding.
4. Which means wedding PLANNING. PLANS! I hate them!
5. Wait, hold up, let me brag about this on Facebook one sec.
6. Teehee.
7. I don't even know which city to have my wedding in.
8. Everyone lives hundreds of miles away from one another.
9. Can I have my wedding online?
10. A Skype wedding! A skedding.
11. Just, like. DM me your objections.
12. And mail me presents.
13. Mmmm, presents.
14. OK, for real, a venue. Where is this happening?
15. At a combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?
16. Haha!
17. ...But also I'm serious.
18. No, my family would disown me.
19. OK, I guess I'll have it in my hometown. Even though I moved away for a reason.
20. Or I could have it... IN A CASTLE! A WINE-FILLED CASTLE!
21. Wait, no, if I have a destination wedding, no one I like will come.
22. And if no one comes, WHY AM I EVEN PLANNING THIS?
23. THIS IS MEANINGLESS.
24. A MEANINGLESS CASH GRAB BY THE WEDDING INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.
25. Do I have to invite ALL my relatives?
26. Even that one cousin... The booger eater?
27. I wonder if he still does that.
28. I guess I'll find out at the wedding.
29. Ugh.
30. Can't I just invite my friends and, like. Many dogs?
31. This guest list is too long.
32. Does EVERYONE need a plus one?
33. Even my booger-eating cousin?!
34. I hope no one comes and I can cancel at the last minute.
35. Maybe I can just tally everything up and let my mom plan this! Genius!
36. I'd hire a wedding planner to take the stress off my hands, but now I'm stressing over the cost of a wedding planner.
37. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAN MY PLANS.
38. I know! I'll elope!
39. No, I can't.
40. That cracking sound is my grandmother's heart breaking at the thought.
41. OK, focus. We still have to discuss the most IMPORTANT part of the wedding.
42. The booze.
43. It turns out that your wedding dinner can't consist of just a chocolate fountain and PBR.
44. OK, so according to this invitation list, I have to come up with a menu that is...
45. ...Vegan, kosher, gluten-free, soy-free, low carb, high protein, low-fat, paleo, and organic.
46. I guess that leaves... Beans. I'll serve beans.
47. And for dessert, lettuce.
48. What's a nice way of uninviting everyone?
49. I know, I'll sign up for a wedding planning site!
50. OK, these sites are telling me I need to worry about even more things than I originally thought.
51. TOO MUCH TO PLAN. I AM OVERWHELMED AND UNDERWHELMED AND GENERALLY WHELMED.
52. According to my online research, a DJ will cost my life's savings.
53. And a live band will cost me one kidney.
54. I'll just set up an iPod shuffle and a megaphone.
55. Do they make, like. Really elegant pajama jeans?
56. Bridal pajama jeans.
57. I feel like I've seen that idea on Shark Tank.
58. NO! FOCUS! A dress!
59. This wedding dress from Etsy is 5 dollars!
60. Which is a good price for something slightly covered in blood.
61. Do I need to hire a photographer?
62. What if I only like the way I look in selfies?
63. Why does everything cost more than my life?
64. Do I really NEED bridesmaids?
65. There's no one I dislike enough to passive-aggressively force to buy an ugly dress.
66. What about tiny hedgehog bridesmaids?! Aw!
67. OK, I'm only $145,892,007.28 over budget.
68. Which leaves me with -$145,882,007.28 for the honeymoon.
69. I'm so stressed.
70. And so happy.
71. Because, really?
72. None of this matters.
73. As long as I get to be with the person I love.
74. (And have a chocolate fountain.)