1. Your ability to sneak broccoli into bites of macaroni and cheese without detection is something you’re so proud of, you’ve considered putting it on your resume.
2. There is no such thing as privacy.
But you will consider almost anything to get some.
3. If it didn’t air on Nick Jr. or the Disney Channel, you didn’t see it.
But you’re not even mad about it.
4. Not catering to a child’s favorite color whenever possible could be a fatal mistake.
I SAID THE BLUE STRAW!
5. Bringing the kids to the pool in the summer is purely for the benefit of your tan.
6. Everything is sticky all of the time, though you’re never quite sure why.
Being with kids is like living in a frat house.
7. Too much milk + jumping around = trouble.
8. Getting through an entire bath without soap or water getting in anyone’s eyes is a reason to celebrate.
9. Your every move is criticized by a tiny human.
And they will not hesitate to rat you out.
10. You have inside jokes with a kid that are better than the ones you have with your adult friends.
11. You will do anything to entertain a kid for even just a moment.
12. If the kids like a movie even the tiniest bit, you’re going to watch it on repeat for months.
You sure you want to watch that one again?
13. Tickling kids until they are gasping for breath is possibly one of the most fun things you have ever done.
And to their dismay, it never gets old.
15. Baby wipes solve every problem you could possibly be faced with.
Literally every problem.
16. Being called a babysitter is the most annoying comment to correct.
Get it right or get some sass.
17. You know that prolonged quiet can only be a bad thing.
What did you do?
18. Trying to have a phone conversation is impossible.
“Yeah, I’ll be … DON’T PUT THAT ON THE WALL … there around … PUT THAT DOWN … ten-ish. I can drive … FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE … us there.”
19. You are trained via experience to always expect the unexpected.
Nothing is off the table.
20. Your meals start to look a lot like the kids’ meals.
Are hot dogs a food group?
21. You are constantly being told that your job isn’t “real”.
Okay, let’s switch jobs for a day. I can’t wait to watch you attempt to handle it all on the nanny cam later.
22. At the end of the day, you love your job more than you ever thought you could love a job.
After all of the drool, puke, marker, and poop is washed out of your clothes and hair.
23. But you thank God that you get to give the kid back at the end of the day.
I love your kid, but the wine bottle is calling.