The Definitive Ranking Of Vagina Euphemisms

A rose by any other name would sound totally effing stupid.

19. Meat curtains
Can’t even type because I am too busy barfing up everything I have ever eaten. Let’s just relegate any term that’s remotely food-related (including but not limited to: taco, love taco, fish taco, SAUSAGE WALLET*) to the lowest of low rankings and never speak of it again.

*actual real phrase I saw on the internet.

18. Va-jay-jay
Too singsongy and childish to exist on this earth. This word is the equivalent of your one friend who always gets way too drunk at brunch and tries to touch the waiter’s butt when he clears away your plates.

17. Vertical smile
HAHAHAH YOU HAVE CLEARLY NEVER SEEN A SMILE AND ALMOST CERTAINLY WILL NEVER SEE A VAGINA EITHER IF YOU EVER SAY THIS PHRASE ALOUD.

16. Poon
Ick.

15. Tang
Ick, just a tiny fraction less than the above.

14. Poontang
This term is somehow better than the sum of its parts. Still should never be uttered unironically, but has a certain panache.

13. Vag/Vadge/Vájjhe
A+ for efficiency, but you’re a grown-up. Say the whole damn word.

12. Lady bits
This term was invented by daytime talk shows and women’s magazines to sell tampons and yogurt. (MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA: Greek yogurt that comes with a little serving of fruit to mix in and also a little serving of Midol, because periods, amirite ladies?!? Ugh. I’m tired.)

11. Box
Relatively inoffensive, but like, a box is an actual defined thing that is not at all similar to a vagina. Doesn’t come close to expressing all the beautiful complexity of the female form.

10. Beaver
Same goes for this one. A beaver is ALREADY A THING (a thing with buckteeth and a propensity for DIYing structures, unlike any vagina I have ever encountered [maybe yours is different, I don’t know you, I don’t know your life]). Don’t be lazy — find names that don’t already have homes.

9. Pussy
The actual word is, phonetically, fairly gross —that slithery double “s,” that coy “y” at the end, the fact that is quite literally contains the word “pus” — but it’s widely used enough to merit a place solidly in the middle of this ranking, and can, in very specific circumstances, be sexy (in far more circumstances, it is just plain creepy). It should never, ever, EVER be deployed to imply that somebody is somehow weak or lacking, because stfu patriarchy.

8. Cooch (var. coochie)
Sort of cute; possibly too much so, if you consider the legion of parents who have lovingly “coochie-coochie-coo!”-ed at their babies throughout human history.

7. Snatch
The less-cute counterpart to “cooch.” Uncomfortably visual, like a bear trap quickly snapping shut, but at least that implies a certain amount of toughness. Very few vaginal euphemisms do justice to the fact that vaginas have CRAZY MUSCLES that can accommodate AN ENTIRE PERSON as they enter this gorgeous, unforgiving world.

6. Muff
I had an American Girl Doll when I was younger. Her name was Samantha, and according to her backstory she was from the Victorian era. One Christmas, my parents bought me a set of winter clothes for her, including what the American Girl catalog called a “muff.” It was small and furry and kept Samantha’s cold plastic hands just a little bit warmer. I will always think of it fondly.

5. Twat
Really should have nothing to do with an actual human vagina, but would otherwise make a spectacularly satisfying insult. (Especially if you have a British accent.)

4. Cunt
Same as above. British accents make everything sound better.

3. Bearded clam
This is just such a funny image, like a wizened old cartoon character who lives next door to SpongeBob SquarePants. Full marks.

2. Hoo-ha
Has a certain twangy, old-timey charm. It’s kind of crass, but in a delightful way, like a coarse yet kindly regular at a saloon in the Wild West. Try saying it aloud, right now, wherever you happen to be. See? Good.

1. Vagina
What it actually literally is (or, if you’re referring to the outside, the vulva). It fucking rules. QED.

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