1. This is not an accurate metric for timekeeping.
2. You can’t do this in restaurants.
RIP Life Café.
3. Your neighbor is not this hot.
And no power outage will ever be this perfectly timed.
4. Your ~loft~ will never be this big.
Granted, it was a different time, but good luck finding a shoebox for under $2000 in Alphabet City now.
5. …especially once you make this (objectively ridiculous) declaration.
In the immortal words of David Rakoff (whose brilliant piece inspired this and which you should listen to immediately because there is nothing like his voice), “My only question is, well, why aren’t you going to pay this year’s rent? It seems that they’re not going to pay this year’s rent because rent is for losers and non-creative types. Rent is for suits.” Fair.
6. Flirting is way harder than this.
Unless you look like Mimi.
10. THIS TOO.
A fun game is to imagine her body saying that in a weird helium-filled voice.
11. What kind of monster would drive a lil muffin like this to her eventual suicide?
Long live Akitas, no matter how yappy.
12. Filming one riot isn’t quite enough to propel you to sellout-level celebrity.
Idk, Mark, get an iPhone and stop whining so much?
13. You really can’t order all this with no intention of paying.
14. Nor this.
15. No subway dance could ever be this well-choreographed/not annoying to fellow passengers.
16. No relationship could ever achieve this level of perfection.
<3 <3 <3
17. No group of friends could have this much romantic dramz and still totally love each other.
- At least 15 people were killed after a suicide bomber attacked a Shiite Muslim procession of hundreds of people in Nigeria. ›
- Turkey hopes to ease tensions with Russia after it shot down a Russian warplane earlier this week. The countries have differing accounts of the incident. ›
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz. ›