1. Send out your invitations in advance.
Your guests need time to get in the zone. Available here.
2. The night of, take a shower.
Get a set of 9 soaps here, which is definitely enough soap to last you until the wedding.
4. Get dressed.
Everyone sees a different pattern in the ink blot. It’s science.
5. Don’t forget your bling!
The listing is careful to specify that this ring is for your finger.
These glow in the dark; perfect for keeping track of your friends in a crowded club.
If you’re at a bar, you probably shouldn’t hang pictures, but otherwise go to town. These would also make delightful gifts for a pair of newlyweds without much home decor. Buy it here.
11. Set the mood.
Again: not so great for a bar. You’ll make all the other patrons jealous. Buy them here.
12. Is it a Christmastime bachelorette party? That’s the best kind.
Ornament available here.
15. If you’re going for savory rather than sweet, there’s no such thing as too much salt and pepper.
Get them here.
18. If you or your guests are tired, drink a cup of coffee or two.
22. Play some games.
The object of this Pictionary*-esque game is to disguise a picture of a penis with as creative a drawing as you can think of.
*The obvious thing to say here is “dicktionary,” but you and I are both much too clever for that.
This is Bingo except instead of numbers there are just euphemisms for penises.
24. Present the bride with her tiara.
Fit for the Duchess of Cambridge herself. Available here.
25. When it’s time to go, give everyone the perfect party favor.
Nobody can say no to a flying penis charm. It’ll be a family heirloom for generations to come.