1. Hate cars with every fiber of their being.
A typical millennial is “27, been laid off twice, can’t find a job in her field, and is deep in college debt.” Also they go to sleep at night dreaming of a car-less utopia where everyone walks or effortlessly glides by on an environmentally conscious hoverboard.
Cars can be pretty sweet, and while millennials love themselves some Zipcar, it doesn’t mean none of them own cars.
3. Don’t date.
The New York Times is pretty awesome at telling millennials all about themselves. Basically, courtship is dead and it’s all millennials’ fault.
“Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, which seems as obsolete as a rotary phone, they rendezvous over phone texts, Facebook posts, instant messages and other ‘non-dates’ that are leaving a generation confused about how to land a boyfriend or girlfriend.”
Yeah! Screw dinner and talking!
4. Have casual sex, like, every waking moment.
Good thing millennials don’t have jobs. It makes it easy to fit all that casual sex into our schedules! In “Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too,” The New York Times goes where no paper of record has gone before and pronounces that now girls have gotten in on the fun, which is sort of confusing. Who were millennial guys having sex with before?
5. Storm out of a restaurant and complain to the manager because of bad cell service.
We’re not entitled, just enlightened. But seriously — why doesn’t your crappy restaurant have Wi-Fi? No.
6. Live lives grounded to a halt by college debt.
Look, college debt sucks. But the whole thing about being young and hopeful is that millennials push through and find a way to get through it. Millennials don’t just all sit together in some hipster millennial gathering being like, “Hey, millennial, too bad we have so much college debt we’ve decided to just sit here and do nothing with our lives.” Stop it.
7. Are like, “Screw it, take all my data and my privacy please, major consumer brand and tech giant.”
Yes, millennials get a little hot under the collar when it comes to “frictionless sharing,” but that doesn’t mean they want all of their data shared with every company under the sun.
Apparently, “Millennials don’t worry about online privacy,” even though 70% think, “No one should ever be allowed to have access to my personal data or web behavior.” Weird.
8. Don’t have families.
Always a fun one. Millennials just materialized in a cool sci-fi way, you know? Millennials don’t have families because of college debt and youth and stuff.
Stop it; it sounds dumb.
9. Act lazy all the time.
Totally. Except Mark Zuckerberg, David Karp, and the type of people who make Forbes’ “30 Under 30” list.
10. Don’t talk to anyone, ever.
Yes, yes, we don’t talk to anyone IRL because we spend all day on Instagram and Snapchat. No millennial has actually ventured outside to meet a friend in years.