Having The Professional as a friend makes you feel important by proxy, even though they’re always stressed out and make you go to bars where the cocktails cost seventeen dollars and have names like “Diablo’s Mercy” and “Midnight in Tokyo.” The Professional works harder than anyone you know, but they also play harder than anyone you know, and that’s why you like them. Plus, they usually pay for the cab.
The Scene Friend will cancel plans on you at the last minute because they heard Danny Tamberelli from Nickelodeon’s Pete and Pete is at a dive bar downtown, but you can never stay mad for long because The Scene Friend always makes it up to you later by getting you into a weird underground club somewhere. Plus, the Scene Friend knows the best dealers in the city. Score!
The Work Friend is a vital part of the friend ecosystem because they’re the first person you dish to Monday morning and oftentimes the person you see most throughout the week. Having a work bff is crucial to getting through the day, and post-work drinks are so much easier to organize if the person you’re boozing with is just a few cubicles down.
The Wanderer is that friend who doesn’t own a cell phone, or has a pay-as-you-go flip phone that isn’t working about 50% of the time. They never have a job for long but somehow seem totally centered and way happier than your friends with 401k’s. They can magically whip up beautiful meals without following a recipe and they’re a never-ending source of wild stories—but they also might move to Barcelona without telling you.
At some point in your twenties, one of your friends is going to settle down and procreate, and it’s the beginning of something both magically uplifting and miserably depressing. The Grown Up friend makes you feel at once relieved you aren’t tied down with a kid, but panicky at the same time over not getting your life together. The Grown Up is a cool friend to have because you get to hang out with a baby but you can leave when it throws up on itself.
It’s unfortunate, but having The Frenemy in your life is an important stepping stone to self sufficiency. The Frenemy keeps you on your toes and hones your ability to spot malicious evildoers later in life. The Frenemy teaches you to question everything, just like Mulder did on the X-Files.
At some point you’ll need to choose someone to live with, and everyone knows trying to live with your best friend usually ends in disaster. That’s why you choose a solid B+ friend to transform into The Roommate (not to be confused with the 2011 Minka Kelly/Leighton Meester slasher movie). The Roommate is marginally responsible and clean but also lax enough for an impromptu Tuesday night bender that may or may not end in a deep philosophical discussion about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Just make sure you respect the chore wheel.
The Intellectual starts off every sentence with, “So did you read that thing…” They can be sort of a know-it-all, but you rely on them to boil down the day’s news stories into concise bits that you can regurgitate on Facebook. The Intellectual reads every social news story and gets outraged for you (except when they drink, when they turn into the least PC person you’ve ever met).
The Friend with Benefits scenario can be tricky, but it’s borderline inevitable that it’ll happen at some point with someone, and if it works out it’s truly divine. Having someone you can chill with and also maybe possibly be naked with is pretty cool as long as you check your feelings at the door.
The One True BFF™ is a rare and precious thing, and finding one in your twenties is something you should cherish. The One True BFF™ is the first person to text you on your birthday and they’re always up for a Netflix marathon. You can spend hours with your One True BFF™ and not get sick of them, because they are the chosen one.
The older you get, the more you realize that animals are better than people, and when you get a pet you come to understand what’s been missing all this time. Cats will cuddle with you all night and they require way less upkeep than a human friendship. Plus you don’t have to feel weird about them watching you poop.
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