The panel consisted of three McDonald’s experts, who rated each item on a scale of 1 to 10. The scores were then added, so each ranking is out of a possible 30 points.
Certain items were not ranked, such as fountain drinks and sauces. Items like chicken sandwiches, which have many variants, were ranked as a single category to avoid redundancy, except in special cases.
Cumulative Ranking: 6.4
Julia: It’s soft serve, but not nearly enough.
Keely: No. We need a man-sized cone option and nothing else.
Adam: Boooooo. These make me sad. Is it that difficult to drizzle some chocolate syrup on it and make it a sundae? GTFO, kiddie cone. Love yourself.
Cumulative Ranking: 9.8
Julia: My body generally rejects healthy things, but these ain’t too bad.
Keely: If I want fruit, I’ll go to the supermarket.
Adam: We’re all so infantilized now. Why do you need your fruit to be liquified? Are you recovering from jaw surgery? I don’t like smoothies. Just eat a fucking berry.
Cumulative Ranking: 10
Julia: There’s just something off-putting about a grown ass adult going to McDonald’s to get little sliced apples with caramel dipping sauce. I don’t trust anyone who does this.
Keely: A disappointment, always, because come on. The only apple I want is stewed in high fructose corn syrup and wrapped in a blanket of carbohydrates.
Adam: I can’t give a bad score to apples, because apples never hurt me. It’s cool that McDonald’s serves apples. I’m A-OK with apples.
Cumulative Ranking: 10.6
Keely: No, get a McFlurry.
Julia: OOH, yes, especially the Shamrock Shake.
Adam: Wait, Shamrock shakes are separate. I hate shakes but I’m down with Shamrock Shakes. What would you rank those?
Julia: 8.8 (Lifehack: Fill with whiskey, obviously).
Keely: Ew. 0.
Adam: UGH, KEELY.
Cumulative Ranking: 11
Julia: Who hurt you?
Keely: Never as satisfying as expected, and you’re always hungry 15 minutes later and have to order a Big Mac.
Adam: Whatever. Oatmeal is whatever.
Cumulative Ranking: 11.7
Julia: I’ve never seen a picture of a frappe and not been a little terrified, and this is coming from a person who regularly orders mocha cookie crumble fraps at Starbucks.
Keely: I refuse to accept that McDonald’s serves frappes.
Adam: OK, sure. Why not. Who’s buying frappes, though? I can’t imagine anyone going into a McDonald’s and saying the word “frappe.”
Cumulative Ranking: 12.5
Adam: The thing I love about this burger is the lack of color. Everything is just different shades of taupe. This burger would look lovely in Martha Stewart’s living room.
Julia: Great concept, weird execution (I’m picky about my onions).
Keely: TOO. MANY. THINGS. A burger with ketchup and mustard and tiny onions, please.
Cumulative Ranking: 13
Julia: Mmm, lotsa meat n’ cheese.
Keely: Just get a Big Mac. Stop fooling around.
Adam: Isn’t this just a normal cheeseburger with a little more meat? I dunno, man. Just get two cheeseburgers. There’s more joy in two cheeseburgers.
Cumulative Ranking: 15
Julia: What is this? Is it a dessert? Is it breakfast? Why would I eat this? What did I do to deserve this?
Keely: A delicious treat, especially when the fruit and sugar and yogurt have been sitting in the fridge for a while and have all congealed.
Adam: I’m not usually down to clown with yogurt (it’s fruit-flavored snot, let’s be real) but I’m not gonna hate on people who like yogurt. Except you, Keely. Gross.
Cumulative Ranking: 15.2
Julia: They’re passable I suppose but like also so random and just like, go to IHOP if you want pancakes.
Keely: I ate McDonald’s pancakes the morning of my SAT in high school and I got into college. So, these pancakes are OK.
Adam: I never understood the appeal of pancakes, let alone fast food pancakes. I can’t even wrap my mind around McDonald’s serving pancakes. I don’t like this, I’m not thinking about it anymore.
Cumulative Ranking: 16.2
Julia: LOL this is insanity only Americans could dream up but I am impressed and damn proud.
Keely: What? This is too many things. I don’t accept that.
Adam: This is so weird and almost too… I dunno, fancy for McDonald’s? But I’d eat like six of them, sooooo.
Cumulative Ranking: 16.4
Julia: Why go for the healthier option? CRISPY ALL THE WAY.
Keely: A great way to eat at a fast food restaurant and still feel healthy. Also, dip it in ketchup.
Adam: No, no no no. Who are you fooling, ordering a grilled chicken sandwich? Crispy or die.
Cumulative Ranking: 17
Julia: A a breakfast classic that will never let you down.
Adam: There was a girl in my seventh grade homeroom who ate an Egg McMuffin every morning and stank up the entire room, and ever since I’ve been giving Egg McMuffins the ol’ side eye.
Cumulative Ranking: 17.2
Julia: It’s coffee. It’s whatever.
Keely: The McDonald’s coffee game is on point. How do they do it? And when you ask for extra cream, they don’t skimp.
Adam: I gave this a 5 because all coffee tastes the same to me. It might be good or bad, but I can’t tell the difference. I put 4 Splendas in my coffee this morning.
Cumulative Ranking: 17.5
Julia: Too much for me personally, but I’m not like mad at it.
Keely: I ate this the morning I took the ACT in high school, but I remember really wishing I had taken the risk and gotten pancakes.
Adam: Breakfast bagels are solid. Can’t hate.
Cumulative Ranking: 18.2
Julia: The buns confuse me.
Keely: SYRUP-FILLED PANCAKE.
Adam: I love any food that’s been imprinted with an emblem. It’s so weird and unnatural, but I dig it.
Cumulative Ranking: 18.5
Julia: Extra points because Carrie Bradshaw once threw it at Mr. Big while wearing a beret and it left the grossest yet most satisfying smear of mayo on his TV screen.
Keely: I really enjoy that the Filet-O-Fish has chosen to be classy, and really committed to that. Really.
Adam: I don’t know anyone who has ever eaten one of these, but I’m sure there are people who swear by them. Like, y’know, serial killers. And Keely.
Cumulative Ranking: 19
Julia: I gave it a 6, because no cheese, which is the essence of life.
Keely: These will always have a special place in my heart, because I ate them as a kid. I still weirdly crave burgers with only ketchup, mustard, and tiny shaved onions.
Adam: Eh, whatever. I’m not a fan of burgers without cheese. Why deprive yourself of cheese?
Cumulative Ranking: 20
Julia: Most of them come with little crisps, which means they know what they’re doing.
Keely: McDonald’s salad game is shockingly strong. The veggies are crisp, the meat is warm, and the dressing is Newman’s.
Adam: Listen. Sometimes you’re on a road trip and the only place open in McDonald’s, and ordering greasy food on a road trip is a terrible idea. Salads exist for a reason. And that reason is so you don’t fill up the car with Big Mac farts on a road trip.
Cumulative Ranking: 20.8
Julia: Never had or wanted one, but people sure do rave about them.
Keely: A staple, an old favorite, a warm and reliable friend when all others have abandoned you.
Adam: I’ve never believed that apple pie is a dessert, sorry. Who wants a hot apple in their mouth? Not this guy.
Cumulative Ranking: 20.9
Julia: I’m just biased because I hate cinnamon-y things. These might be OK? I still don’t fully understand what they are.
Keely: Oh, sweet Lord. I need one right now.
Adam: I imagine if I ever develop a serious, life-ruining addiction, it will be to cinnamon melts.
Cumulative Ranking: 21
Julia: A nice change of pace/good kick of southern flavor.
Keely: The sandwich once only whispered about in myths, then resurrected. Forever a perfect combo of sugar and meat.
Adam: I don’t really like these, but I enjoy the bloodthirsty fervor it instills in people whenever it comes back on the menu.
Cumulative Ranking: 21.1
Julia: Biscuits can get flaky but they’re so worth it.
Keely: Yes. The only way to eat your McDonald’s breakfast is on a goddamn biscuit.
Adam: These remind me of growing up down south. I didn’t grow up in the south, but breakfast biscuits always make me imagine I did.
Cumulative Ranking: 21.5
Adam: I love the weird, thin bun slice thing in the middle. Its only purpose is to separate food visually. It’s like, “Hold up, stop, look what’s happening right now to this burger. It’s actually two burgers in one. Are you amazed?”
Julia: Too much, too much.
Keely: I held off on having a Big Mac for years because it became a “thing.” I was like that person who had never seen Breaking Bad, but with fast food. I tried one for the first time in college, drunk, and it was like the world opened up.
Cumulative Ranking: 21.8
Julia: What my childhood tastes like. There are emotional ties here that can’t be severed.
Keely: The hashbrowns are very hit-or-miss. If they’re fresh out of the frier, they’re delicious. Two minutes later, they’re a soggy, greasy mess that gets oil in all your crevices. All of them.
Cumulative Ranking: 22.6
Julia: So good.
Keely: THE MOST SUPERIOR OF MCFLURRIES. A rainbow of sugar and happiness.
Adam: One time I asked for an Oreo McFlurry and got an M&M’s McFlurry, and I’ve never fully recovered from the heartbreak.
Cumulative Ranking: 22.8
Adam: I used to order these in middle school, and I thought it made me super cool because other kids always got burgers. I still think crispy chicken sandwiches are hecka cool and very classy.
Julia: Crispy chicken can do you no wrong.
Keely: Much improved with breading. And fried.
Cumulative Ranking: 23.1
Adam: Thaaaaaaat’s the business. People who order M&M’s McFlurries instead of Oreo can’t be trusted.
Julia: I respect anyone and everyone that orders an Oreo McFlurry. They have their priorities straight.
Keely: Far inferior to the M&M’s McFlurry.
Cumulative Ranking: 24.8
Adam: Freshman year of college I ate approximately 780 of these.
Julia: Real good but not as satisfying as McNugs or a sandwich.
Keely: The snack wraps really do fill you up, and they make you feel classy. They make you feel a little superior when you eat them, and that’s a good thing.
Cumulative Ranking: 25.2
Adam: Bruh. Bruuuuuuh. I love cheeseburgers.
Julia: Not the best burgers in the world, but they will surely do.
Keely: The only thing that kept my brother from eating my Happy Meals when I was a kid was his hatred for cheese, so this is a hard 10 in my book.
Cumulative Ranking: 26
Keely: Those caramel sundaes? Think about dipping a cinnamon melt in a caramel sundae. What would happen? Something unparalleled.
Julia: If your heart doesn’t sing when you get one, you aren’t a real person.
Adam: Every week after church I’d go to McDonald’s, eat a sundae, and then ride the merry-go-round in the play area. One time I rode the merry-go-round for so long that I fell into a vortex and traveled back in time to 1865. I saw the Lincoln assassination with my own two eyes. I could’ve stopped it, but I did nothing. It still haunts me.
Cumulative Ranking: 29.5
Keely: THE TASTE OF CHILDHOOD. Somehow, you can eat 20 of these and still have room for 20 more. Magic? Yes.
Julia: These have helped soak up many a alcohol and they have my eternal loyalty.
Adam: I’m sorry, I just blacked out thinking about McNuggets. What’s going on?
Cumulative Ranking: 29.8
Adam: Fries are perfect. They’re just perfect. And when you finish them, there’s always like thirty left at the bottom of your bag.
Julia: They unite everyone. They are the perfect drunk food.
Keely: THE BEST FRIES KNOWN TO MAN, WILL NEVER BE TOPPED, GOODBYE.
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