1. Penguins propose to each other with pebbles!
What experts say: A male penguin presents a female with the smoothest pebble he can find as a token of love. If the female finds him suitable, she’ll add the pebble to her nest.
The truth: Male penguins are notoriously cheap. Even though most male penguins have healthy 401k’s and diversified portfolios, they refuse to drop cash on engagement rings. Female penguins usually accept cheap pebbles in hopes that down the road, the male will loosen up and at least spring for a Hulu Plus subscription.
2. Crocodiles eat stones!
What experts say: Crocodiles consume stones to aid in digestion and to help regulate buoyancy.
The truth: Crocodiles are dumb as hell. Did you know they’re actually dinosaurs? They eat stones thinking they’re water potatoes. And if they eat too many stones, they sink! Rivers have hundreds of crocodile skeletons at the bottom.
3. Horned lizards shoot blood from their eyes! Blood!!!
What experts say: Horned lizards spurt blood from their eyes as a last resort against predators. It’s meant to confuse enemies, and it also tastes foul to felines and canines.
The truth: Horned lizards are super into the hardcore death metal scene. They like to hang out with their headbanger friends, drink Jägermeister, listen to Cannibal Corpse, and have bloody eye contests with each other. Horned lizards typically don’t have jobs.
4. Bees are straight up disappearing!
What experts say: Bee colonies are dying out due to climate change, parasitic mites, and pesticides.
The truth: All the bees got diarrhea and are hiding out in the Barnes & Noble bathroom.
5. Cows always face due north or south when they eat.
What experts say: Cows, like birds and fish, use the earth’s magnetic fields for orientation.
The truth: Who cares why cows do what they do? Did you notice their spots spell out the word fart?
6. Ant colonies function as a single organism.
What experts say: Ants are a classic example of a superorganism, or a collection of agents that can act in concert to produce phenomena governed by the collective.
The truth: Ants aren’t even real. Have you ever seen an ant in real life? No. Ants are an imaginary bug created by Marvel Studios as part of the viral marketing effort for 2015’s Ant-Man, starring Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas.
7. Dogs can sense earthquakes before they happen!
What experts say: Dogs and other animals can sense subtle primary waves preceding seismic activity, long before the secondary wave is felt by humans.
The truth: Dogs freak out before an earthquake hits, but it’s only because dogs freak out all the time, always. Dogs don’t know anything. Nobody knows anything. Life is a mess. Love is a lie.
8. Scorpions glow under black lights!
What experts say: Scientists predict scorpions are fluorescent to help them know when the best times to hunt are. Full moons reflect more UV rays, which scorpions don’t like.
The truth: Scorpions adapted the ability to grow in the dark to be more intimidating. They want you to know they’re coming, even in the dead of night, because they’re jerks and they hate you. Everything scorpions do is awful. They’re from hell.
9. Seahorses are the only animals where the males give birth!
What experts say: After a male and female seahorse finish their courtship, the ladyhorse deposits her eggs inside the pouch of the dudehorse, who then gives birth. No one knows why seahorses evolved this way.
The truth: Seahorse culture is very feminist. Most seahorse CEOs are female. The seahorse president is a woman. Lady seahorses are very busy, so the males help out by incubating babies.
10. Lemmings like to commit mass suicide by jumping off cliffs.
What experts say: Lemming suicide is actually a myth based on the fact the many lemmings drown in rivers during mass migration.
The truth: They actually do commit suicide, and here’s why: lemmings are huge Lady Gaga fans, and it’s a known fact that Lady Gaga hides satanic, subliminal messages in her songs. Lemmings can only take so much before they lose their minds and hurl themselves off off cliffs.
11. Honey badgers don’t care! Honey badgers don’t give a shit!
What experts say: Honey badgers are crazy rebels who don’t give a shit about nothin’.
The truth: Honey badgers are actually sensitive souls, and it hurts their feelings that you think they don’t care. The whole badass routine is just a cover—maybe even a cry for help. Try getting a to know a honey badger sometime. They might surprise you.