1. You should always check under your bed before getting in it for the night.
2. Any opportunity that presents itself for him to make fun of you will be taken.
He teases because he loves.
3. It was great to always have a babysitter handy, even though he used the opportunity to do all the things he was afraid to do with your parents around.
4. He will take any excuse possible to play a practical joke on you, so watch your personal belongings.
5. If you ever need anything, you know he will always (begrudgingly) share with you.
6. He will need to assert his dominance every once in a while. That’s OK.
7. Letting you play video games with him (and especially with his friends) was the ultimate sign of love and respect.
Except when you beat him and he got angry. But that’s another story.
8. At some point, you will learn that he wanted your parents to get rid of you when you were born — in a dumpster, in the rain, taking you back to the hospital. This will become a funny joke when you get older.
9. Basic household objects can, and will, be used as weapons of war.
Watch out for Saran Wrap.
10. You will want to copy his style and interests at some point. They will seem like the pinnacle of coolness.
11. It’s basically never worth doing your hair because a noogie can come at any time.
12. He will come up with a new nickname to call you at least once a month. Whether you like it or not.
13. No matter how successful you are in life, he will always be sure to remind you that he came first.
14. He may never be effusive in his praise, but deep down, you know he means it.
15. Every once in a while, he will feel the need to be the absolute center of attention like he was before you were born. Let him.
16. You need to accept that, sometimes, he will get away with teasing you or hitting you.
17. You will have to deal with #brotherjokes from time to time. They will seem funnier to you as time goes on, even as they remain objectively groanworthy.
18. He will steal your food at some point and excuse it by claiming that he is bigger and needs more nutrition.
19. If anyone ever tries to harm you, you can be guaranteed that he will be the first to step in on your behalf.
20. And even though it can seem like hard work to step out of his shadows, it can be done.
And he will be proud of you for doing it. Maybe a little jealous too. But definitely proud.
- A Guatemalan judge ordered former President Otto Perez Molina held in jail overnight while hearings over the corruption scandal that led to his resignation take place. ›
- Prosecutors will seek the death penalty for Dylann Roof, accused of killing nine people in a Charleston church in June. ›
- The Justice Dept. has tightened rules on cell phone tracking, forcing federal agencies to get a warrant. ›