21 Inevitable Truths You Learn By Having An Older Brother

Number one: No matter how much he teases you, he really does love you.

1. You should always check under your bed before getting in it for the night.

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2. Any opportunity that presents itself for him to make fun of you will be taken.

He teases because he loves.

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3. It was great to always have a babysitter handy, even though he used the opportunity to do all the things he was afraid to do with your parents around.

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4. He will take any excuse possible to play a practical joke on you, so watch your personal belongings.

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5. If you ever need anything, you know he will always (begrudgingly) share with you.

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6. He will need to assert his dominance every once in a while. That’s OK.

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7. Letting you play video games with him (and especially with his friends) was the ultimate sign of love and respect.

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Except when you beat him and he got angry. But that’s another story.

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8. At some point, you will learn that he wanted your parents to get rid of you when you were born — in a dumpster, in the rain, taking you back to the hospital. This will become a funny joke when you get older.

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9. Basic household objects can, and will, be used as weapons of war.

Watch out for Saran Wrap.

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10. You will want to copy his style and interests at some point. They will seem like the pinnacle of coolness.

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11. It’s basically never worth doing your hair because a noogie can come at any time.

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12. He will come up with a new nickname to call you at least once a month. Whether you like it or not.

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13. No matter how successful you are in life, he will always be sure to remind you that he came first.

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14. He may never be effusive in his praise, but deep down, you know he means it.

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15. Every once in a while, he will feel the need to be the absolute center of attention like he was before you were born. Let him.

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16. You need to accept that, sometimes, he will get away with teasing you or hitting you.

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17. You will have to deal with #brotherjokes from time to time. They will seem funnier to you as time goes on, even as they remain objectively groanworthy.

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18. He will steal your food at some point and excuse it by claiming that he is bigger and needs more nutrition.

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19. If anyone ever tries to harm you, you can be guaranteed that he will be the first to step in on your behalf.

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20. And even though it can seem like hard work to step out of his shadows, it can be done.

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And he will be proud of you for doing it. Maybe a little jealous too. But definitely proud.

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21. Because no matter what, he will always be your older brother.

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