20 Tweets That Are So Freaking Funny They'll Turn Your Whole Day Around

    "Oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out."


    not having to bring my backpack to the last day of elementary school was the last time i truly felt free


    Just watched a man bringing home a goldfish on the train accidentally pop the bag- fish flops onto the floor. 3 people swarm to save him (the fish not the man). Guy chugs the last of his coffee and throws the fish in his cup. Lady next to him empties in her bottle of water.


    My sister is trying to have a baby and my mom is continuing to be a headass



    my sister saw two unaccompanied little children in a trench coat giggling amongst themselves yesterday and i am absolutely howling


    I am not in a Walmart parking lot physically right now but I am in a Walmart parking lot emotionally


    Did you even do an essay if you didn’t do google search like this...


    I found a phone by the pool earlier and texted the person who kept texting to let them know I’d found the phone and now TWO people are saying it’s their boyfriend’s and he’s saying don’t give it to one of them but she might lie so fuck this shit I just called his mom now he’s mad


    my 8 year old daughter emails me a lot while I'm at work


    I just realized when your phone autocorrects to “ducking” it means crouching down and has nothing to do with ducks. How did I forget that was a real word


    reply to this with the weirdest image in your phone gallery ill start



    Mothers coming into your room after telling you to get up for the last hour


    Y’all this Johnny Cash boot pic got me fucked up lmao


    Crush: what are u doing Me: laying in bed listening to music Crush: nice what kind Me: it’s memory foam Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist Me: Picasso



    oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


    her: will u take out the garbage me: do it yourself her: me: BACKSPACE uh I mean ok sure her: wait did u just- me: CTRL+Z doing it now her: u can't just "undo" this conversation Me: ESC ESC idk what ur talking about CTRL+ALT+DEL


    me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster" my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!" all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"


    BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star

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