The 9 GOP Candidates Explained As Tacos

Which taco is each Republican presidential candidate? Regardless, you're going to need some milk of magnesia, a few stacks of National Geographic and a night in the bathroom to come to terms with this.

Rand Paul

Via dailydot.com

Paul was tricky to determine, but I ended up choosing a taco filled with dried-up crickets based on the sound produced anytime Paul makes a statement in front of an audience.

Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill / Via nationaljournal.com

Rubio and Cruz are both high-end brunch breakfast tacos; in other words, they're tacos that are trying really hard to not be tacos.

Chris Christie

AP Photo/Rebecca Blackwell / Via bloomberg.com

Chris Christie is known for his fiery brand of New Jersey-style politics. He's ham-fisted (and ham-just-about-every-other-body-part) and is what I imagine the pigs at the end of Animal Farm turned into. For that reason, Christie is a pork belly taco.

Ben Carson

Reuters/ Earnie Grafton / Via bostonglobe.com

Ben Carson is a tortilla coated in Xanax powder and fried in Zzzquil. You can't order this taco at most conventional restaurants - it will put you to sleep, trigger an intense state of paranoia (including a flurry of debunked archaeological pet theories) and probably require emergency brain surgery.

In the picture above, you can imagine Carson holding a taco in his hand. Damn! The picture is nearly perfect for it - Carson's hand is bent into the ideal crab-claw position for holding a hardshell taco. My Adobe Photoshop trial membership ran out. Sorry.

Donald Trump

Yelp / Via whatstrending.com

It's very satisfying to imagine Donald Trump as a taco, mostly because of his anti-immigration rhetoric and hurtful comments toward Mexicans. It's also very satisfying to imagine Donald Trump impaled on a spit like a scene from The Apprentice meets Hieronymus Bosch.

For that reason, Donald Trump is tacos al pastor, which are prepared by shaving pork from a vertical spit (or, get this, a trompo as it's referred to in Mexico).

John Bon Kasich

Via myconnection.cox.com

Have you ever been at a taqueria and seen someone drop their order of tacos onto the ground? The taco they were holding probably ended up in the trash. That trash taco is John Kasich, and what's inside of it doesn't really matter (dad jokes, maybe? I don't know).

Like all the kids in the orphanage in Stuart Little , nobody wants John Kasich. I think America would rise up and elect a mouse or even Jonathan Lipnicki to the White House before they chose Kasich.

Did you even notice that's Bon Jovi and not John Kasich? I'm not even sure John Kasich would have noticed.

Jeb!

Bloomberg/David Paul Morris / Via washingtonpost.com

Jeb Bush is a Doritos Locos taco: an early favorite, but ultimately a flop crushed under the weight of his older brother Crunchwrap Supreme and father Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Also, like the Doritos Locos taco, we're not 100% sure he wasn't involved in 9/11.

Carly Fiorina

CNN

Fiorina has largely faded in the polls since her first strong debate showings, partially because she's been unable to shore up the far-right, Evangelical vote and partially because she's a haunted scarecrow from a Goosebumps book.

Fiorina is a scrumptious taco filled with baby parts, which according to the woman herself, you can locate behind any Planned Parenthood and probably at Whole Foods.