The Five Guys You Meet In Flavortown

With your arteries hardened by years of exclusively consuming Donkey Sauce, you suddenly die and are transported to a place beyond the material realm. Now what?

A Hymn For The Damned

Sinéad O'Connor / Via YouTube.com

Allow Sinéad O'Connor to serenade o'connor you while you contemplate the host of characters who greet all heart attack victims into Flavortown.

1. The Mayor of Flavortown

Guy Fieri / Via reddit.com

The Mayor of Flavortown greets all newcomers with a simple request: an open mind and an open mouth. To pass through the gates and into his rowdy, greasy kingdom, you must first solve three riddles - each harder than the last.

After the riddles, he stuffs fried frosted tips into your mouth like a schizophrenic Anthony Bourdain preparing foie gras. Once you pass out, the mayor nestles you in his proud arms and shuttles you down a trans-fat lubricated slip'n'slide composed entirely of stapled GI tracts.

2. Judge Fieri

Via eonline.com

Your long-term acceptance into Flavortown is contingent on the judgement of Guy Fieri, and faced down by the grim spectre of his multicolored goatee and harsh, stygian glare, you should hope you have no gluten sensitivities and no objections to factory farming.

It's a trial by Fieri, and all the while, a jury of your peers sings "G-g-g-guy Fieri" to the tune of the classic 1979 hit "My Sharona" while you fall into a crispy crypt of madness.

There are free Pepperoni Mozzarella Stix though, which is chill.

3. Fieribrus

Via imgur.com

You've slid through Flavortown on a wave of gastric acid, faced the terror of Judge Fed and now you're brought before the terror of Guy's empire: Fieribrus, the three-headed beast and collective scourge of IQ tests and Shrek soundtracks.

One mouth will question your knowledge of magnets, one mouth will spew a volcanic wave of Guy-talian Nachos to throw off your balance and one mouth will pin you into a corner and beat the shit out of you with a pair of Oakley sunglasses. Brutal.

Make it past this feral Fieri and you earn your just desserts.

4. Guy, Interrupted

Via thedailymeal.com

Who is that handsome gentleman? Oscar Isaac soaked in bleach?

No, it's Guy Fieri.

To meet your maker, you have to make like Matilda and eat Guy Fieri's entire massive temple in one sitting. With each bite of the Tequila Turkey Fettuccine flavored man, his shrieking grows louder, and the ghosts of every single Diner, Drive-in and Dive owner gather to watch you shed the final traces of your mortal coil.

There is no Guy. You are Guy. You are Fieri. You are flawless.

5. The Final Fieri

Ellie Sunakawa / BuzzFeed BFF

Paradiso.

All tests complete, all battles won. You're transported for an audience with the supreme leader of Flavortown, the final Fieri.

His limb, doughy body maintains a constant state of repose through the eons, and his rays of frenzied love cast down to Earth, bringing passion and peace to all bowels and port-a-potty rental companies.

Here you will spend eternity, not in a prison of suffering fueled by the engine of desire. Rather, on a celestial plane, measuring out your life in doses of bleu-sabi.

Bonus: Wine Fieri

Probably a serial killer / Via buzzfeed.com

Admit it - if you've made it this far, you're in love with Guy Fieri.

You love his hair. You love his laugh. You love his contributions to the body mass index.

The inexorable question arises: well, if you love Guy Fieri so much, why don't you marry him? I've had to face the very same question from many an employer.

Here's the good news: you can! Starting in 2016, the SCOTUS has ruled all same-Fieri marriages legal. Now the only trick is to find him.

I'd suggest starting at all your local liquor stores and then branching out to every liquor store nationwide. I think eventually you'll find him or someone that looks good enough to make pretend.

And isn't that what marriage boils down to anyway? Shooting for Fieri, but ultimately settling for some Guy?