Wedding Survival Guide: The 10 Ways To Nail Being The "Plus One'

Wedding Season Is Upon Us, And Nobody Is Safe.

Being the "plus-one," can be an anxious experience, and only the brave will survive. Follow these tips, and you can be sure that you'll be the perfect plus-one: anonymous, meek, and instantly (un)forgettable- even after 6 trips to the bar.

"Not everyone is getting married, you guys."

Famous last words.

1. Know Your Role: Think of a wedding as being made up of a series of tiers. In descending order of importance, there is the bride and groom, their parents, the bridal party, invited guests, hired staff, the hors d’oeuvres, and then you. You’re like a wedding peasant.

2. Speaking of the hors d’oeuvres, show some self respect. Sure, you’ll probably never see most of these people again in your life, but try to keep them from remembering you as “that lady that went up to the mashed potato bar four times and then threw up in the chocolate fountain.”

3. For the love of God, do your homework and remember the Bride and Groom’s names.

4. Once you have rule #3 down, be a human and congratulate the lucky two on their marriage/thank them for “inviting” you. Extra credit: Shake the groom’s hand firmly, holding on to it for at least six or seven seconds too long. Stare into his eyes with a look that communicates joy, gratitude, and a psychotic break with reality. Lean into him and whisper something really, really weird in his ear, like “I bet she still has that ‘New Wife’ smell.”

5. Dance enough to seem like you’re having a good time, but don’t go crazy or anything. You can put your left foot in; you can put your left foot out. But don’t twerk on the grooms mom.

6. Apparently, the vast majority of wedding ceremonies do not actually feature the whole “If anyone objects to the union of these two people, speak now or forever hold your peace” thing, so you can just forget about that deep seated fantasy you’ve always hoped to witness.

7. Dress nicely, but don’t try and steal the show. In a sense, you’re like the wallpaper of the wedding — you should look sassy, but in a mild way that allows you to fade quietly into the background. Actually, since you’re already standing by the wall anyway, do you mind if we hang this picture frame over your face? Okay, great. Remember, don’t talk to anybody.

8. Don’t go catching the bouquet or the garter — the bride and groom would probably prefer that their wedding memories consist of people that they’ve known for longer than 45 minutes.

9. As you’ve probably noticed from the previous rules, a big part of being a plus-one is enjoying yourself in moderation. Of course, the same rule applies to drinking.

10. Psyche lol, you should get drunk as all hell. A social gathering filled with strangers and stocked with an open bar? This may or may not screw up your ability to follow the rest of these tips, but, as a very wise man once said, “YOLO, bitches.”