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The Definitive Ranking Of Jess Day's Boyfriends

A scientific analysis of the weird and wonderful loverfriends of New Girls' Jess Day MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE WATCHED ALL FOUR SEASONS OF NEW GIRL

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7. Spencer

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

Duh. Spencer comes in last place because he was a total loser who broke Jess’ heart and tried to steal her clothing. He didn’t use sheets, slept on a pile of washcloths, wore Jellies, and chose his girlfriends based on their love of bikes. His hair may have been Jess’ Kryptonite but really it was an unhygienic mess. His only redeeming quality? If he hadn't cheated on Jess, she never would've met the boys of Loft 4D

6. Paul Genzlinger

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

Paul, sometimes referred to as Genzlinger, Mercedes Genz, or Genzel Washington, was a teacher at Jess’ middle school who is essentially her male version. He plays the violin, carries a kazoo in his jacket pocket, is allergic to felt, visits his (now sadly deceased) grandma on Thanksgiving and writes school musicals. The downside? He’s an ugly crier who also used Jess to cheat on his girlfriend

5. Sam Sweeney

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

Or should we say Dr. Sweeney. Sam and Jess began their no-commitment relationship through a case of online-dating-related mistaken identity which sets the scene for their affair. Although he isn't initially keen on becoming Jess' boyfriend (brutally delivered on HALLOWEEN of all days), through a Christmas Miracle the pair work things out.

4. Ryan Geauxinue

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Ryan had a tough act to follow but his cute accent, Downton Abbey-esque home, necklace wearing pet falcon, and love of scrap booking earns him a high spot on the list

3. Russell Shriller

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

Russell not only won Jess’ heart but Nick’s too. He has the kind of lifestyle that brings about thoughts of leather, Teddy Roosevelt, and wistfulness. He plays a mean game of True American. His hair is immovable. The Fancyman is perfect. Too bad about that passion…

2. Nick Miller

Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

What? I hear you cry. Mr. Miller isn’t number one? Once you’ve collected yourself I’m prepared to discuss the matter. Nick is perfect for Jess for the following reasons

-He ditches his ex-girlfriend and a killer party to "help a friend out"

- He helps her take back her stuff from Spencer

- His feet point towards her

-He forces an entire neighborhood to “make it the Candy Cane Lane or whatever”

-He literally carries her over the finish line of a marathon

- He helps her fight off a coyote

-He knows where she’ll be if she’s upset and how to comfort her

-He compliments her outfits and bangs

- He builds her Ikea furniture

- He ices her bruises (which were admittedly caused by him)

- He attempts to save her from a potential serial killer

-He leaves a date when she is convinced she’s under attack


-“I meant something like that”

-They build a symbolically sturdy table together

-They run away to Mexico together

-He helps her trespass

-He doesn’t keep secrets (although that’s mainly due to excessive and obvious sweating)

-He burns himself on a lighter so she won’t be in pain alone

-He says I Love You first

-He appreciates her e-cards

-He opens a bank account because of her

-He jumps into a very large hole for her

-He makes a super cute birthday video

-He is sentimental

-He saves her from a falling knife

-He is a certified lawyer

-He calls her “honey”

-He shows an interest in Dirty Dancing

So how HOW could Nick Miller not be number one on this list? And who could possibly steal his crown?

1. Berkley

Adam Brody. That is all.
Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / FOX / Via

Adam Brody. That is all.

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