We always knew they were up to something - reports have arrived from Seoul that a pigeon, estimated wingspan of 50-150m has suddenly swooped down from the sky today carrying a North Korean flag in its beak.
North Korea's genetic experiments, states the NIS, South Korea's intelligence agency in a shortly-arranged press conference, has been observed for longer than half a decade now. It is well-established in the upper-echelons of the South's military establishment that Kim Jong-Un does in fact, have flying capabilities exceeding that even of the South Korean president Park Geun-Hye.
South Korean Minister of Science and Technology Baing Yu-Mam went so far as to say that the unprovoked usage of 50-150m wingspan pigeons in downtown Seoul was not just horrendous, but completely unoriginal. "We have a long and proud history of slaughtering and imprisoning opponents to our regime." He's right - Syngman Rhee, the first President of the Republic of Korea, mobilized the Anticommunist Youth League and members of street gangs to smash facilities of critical newspapers and to intimidate opposition candidates for election. The regime, until recently used brutal police force to ensure challenges to it were eliminated quickly.
"We took it to a new height when we introduced the National Security Law which allowed us to arbitrarily arrest, detain, and imprison people for criticising government policies - which is, of course, supporting North Korea. And then we developed the pigeons," he laughs outwardly as a mottled-grey form behind him rips office desks from high-rise buildings and consumes the flesh of civilians, bobbing its head with evil contentment, "the pigeons made everything so much easier. Why bother sending the police when you can just send a feathered nuclear warhead screaming at them to pluck them from their apartments at night?"
"And then the North Koreans copied us," he says bitterly, "here in the Ministry of Science and Technology we were all thinking - 'oh, the North Koreans might have copied us in setting up concentration camps for the execution of political opponents, but they'll never be able to catch up with us on pigeon warfare', but then again - we were wrong. Our first suspicions were confirmed when one of our agents sighted the destruction of a seaside fishing village by a 10-30m long turtle, and confirmed again by a higher-up agent in the Central Commitee who reported that our ol' friend Kim was dining in 2-6m long goldfish." He starts smoking a cigar at this point, the sign of a real man.
"We tried everything to slow them down." he wistfully remarked, his eyes glazing over a 50-150m wingspan pigeon firmly planting the North Korean flag into the wreckage of what once was a train station. "Some bright spark suggested the United States bring up the issue of human rights - we laughed him off at first. The United States accusing another country of systematically incarcerating and torturing people without trial? The United States saying another country regularly invades people's privacy? Criticism of human rights coming from the United States? That's a bit rich, if you ask me. But somehow the order went through - and everyone just ate it up. We had the UN ringing the North Korean government at night and asking it for permission to an unlimited inspection of the entire country. And every time they were denied, I mean why the hell would you give an international organisation free reign in your country when it literally has the enemy country on its board of directors?"
"My god," he says, laughing, "we even made the United States bring up the paltry North Korean nuclear weapons programme and made such a fuss about it even when the United States has the largest nuclear weapons programme on the Earth right now. The enormous North Korean military? We've got an even larger one - that isn't even counted in the official numbers because it's technically the American military. Nothing seemed to stop them - even when practically every mainstream media outlet in the Western world had turned against them. They say North Korean media is just propaganda and the North Koreans are all brainwashed. Golly, but anyway, they still kept going with their genetic experimentation programme. You've got to hand it to the North Koreans."
He wipes his eyes. "Anyway, that should be it for the day. We've got to round up this 50-150m wingspan feathered beast and send it back to the unoriginal bastards from North Korea."
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