"If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother o' mine, O' mother o' mine!
I know whose love would follow me still,
Mother o' mine, O' mother o' mine!"
- Rudyard Kipling.
Dear Ma,
It's been so long you've gone now and I miss you more than ever. There's not a single day where I don't think how different things would have been if you were here, next to me. There's not a single day where I don't make up scenarios in my mind where we all are together. I know there are tons of other families going through the situation we went through but it isn't easy for me. 12 years have gone by and I still have trouble forgetting it all. I still have problem getting over it. I don't even blame y'all for it because I know it would have been something really bad that made y'all take this step but it isn't getting any better for me. I don't know how much time I will take but one day it will be alright and I'd forget about it but somewhere deep within my heart I'll still have the scar that will remind me the good things happen to good people and I might be really bad person. There are so many thing I want to express but I can't, I'm very scared because people might judge me for all the wrong reasons. The way they criticize me or pity me for having divorced parents makes me feel like shit this isn't something I've wanted or chosen on my own. I know it hasn't been easy for both of y'all to cope up with the problems y'all had but it hasn't been easy me too. When I see my friends with their parents all I want to do is run away and hid somewhere and never to think about it. They way my friends tell me that I can hug their mom if I ever miss you makes me want to kill myself. Ever since you left I don't remember dad coming for my annual functions or even report days in school and I stopped participating and I stopped studying. I can't trust people now. This is one big reason why I don't like interacting with people. People are shit; they give false hopes and they break promises they once made. I like being at home and surrounded by books and music and dreaming about roaming the world one day. I don't want friends not because no one talks to me but because I can't trust them. When I see Shreya and her boyfriend I do feel like going out and meeting guys and going on dates but I can't. I'm so scared of dating and relationships and marriage that don't even like thinking about it. What if something that happened to y'all happens with me? What if my kids have to go through all of it? I wouldn't want that ever and now that my parents have been through it there are so many chances that it might happen with me. Even the thought of it makes me want to stab myself. All this has left such a bad scare on my mind and heart that even if I fall in love someday I wouldn't want to take a step forward. I'm just so scared of everyone now. All I want to do is run away and be alone. It's all so doomed. Even if I feel sad that you won't come back, I'm happy that you're in a better place now. I now realize how your life would had been the time you were with him. I do respect dad and I'm heartfelt that he's been providing us with basic necessities that one needs but that doesn't mean he treats me like shit. I've taken all he's thrown my way for this long. Step mother, girlfriends, beatings and abusive language and what not but now I can't. I quite often think what if I wasn't here right now or I wasn't here at all it would have been better but then I realize if I wasn't here my brother would be going through it and makes me a happy that I'm here and I can take it. This probably isn't the best that I have written for you and you don't deserve this on such a special day but I really had to get it out of my system. I am so proud of what you are today and I know you'll be more successful as time passes. You have done so much for me for the last few months and I've just been a bundle of trouble for you but I promise to try to be better with the time coming and at least try to shake myself out of this situation. I am really really proud of you and I really love you for what you are and genuinely care about you and I'd never ever leave your hand no matter what happens or who stops me. I adore you and respect you with my whole heart. You are a strong woman and an inspiration not only to me but a thousand women outside. Happy Mother's Day, Ma!
Love, Daughter.
P.S. Sorry for disappointing you.
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