10 Steps To Being People's Sexiest Man Alive In The World... EVER.

Each and every year straight women and gay men are subjected to whomever the editorial staff at People Magazine have promoted to the high office of Sexiest Man Alive. Well, what I began to wonder is if Channing Tatum can be the sexiest man alive, why can't I? Or you? So, here it is laid out for you soon-to-be-non-lay-men out there:

1.

Speak English. I know, this seems racist, or at the very least ethnocentric, but the fact is every single one of the Sexiest Men in the WORLD from the past 27 years has been a born and raised English speaker. From the Australian born Mel Gibson to the Scottish Sean Connery and to this years winner Mister Tatum they all speak the mother tongue. So, if you don't speak English as your native language, go back in time, be reborn and try again later. Or, just wait for US Demographics to change enough to where not only can we have a black President, but also a Spanish bred Sexiest Man.

2.

Be an Actor. Every single one of the Sexiest Men Alive has been an actor, save one: John F. Kennedy Jr. So be an actor, unless you're a Kennedy. It should, however, be noted that Kennedy is also one of only two Sexiest Men to have died. Should you follow my guide and achieve your goals of maximum sex appeal - expect a long a fruitful life. Unless you're a Kennedy. Or get cancer like Swayze.

3.

Be White. Denzel Washington is the only African American who has won this prestigious honor. The United States is only 72.4% comprised of 'white folk' which means that in the 27 years at least statistically six or seven of these Sexiest Men should have been a Man of Color. But, the good people at people know their readers and their readers know that the only Man of Color worthy of such high superficial accolades is in fact, Denzel. So, be white - or be Denzel Washington.

4.

Be Male. This should go without saying, unless on the off chance you are Cindy Crawford who was so incredibly hot that for one year People decided to have a Sexiest Couple. Or maybe was it that they determined the only reason Richard Gere deserved the award was due to his love affair with the super model? Wait, no - it's Richard Gere. And she has a mole. What was People thinking? Which brings us to...

5.

Be any of the following people: George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Richard Gere, or Brad Pitt. Each of these men have achieved ultimate sexiness twice in their lives. Though obviously, Mr. Gere has a small mole-shaped asterisk next to his name. In any case, by being reborn as one of these figures (see: actors) you are sure to be picked.

6.

Don't be old. Obviously, old people aren't sexy. Unless they are Sean Connery or Harrison Ford, both winners, actors, white, English speaking winners.

7.

Be James Bond. This is perhaps the only rule that actually makes sense in People's mysterious Sexy Math.

8.

Work Out. Needless to say they all have a six pack, so if you're too lazy to work out and you fit all the previous criteria listed you should probably give up, or stop being lazy, or again - be James Bond.

9.

If all else fails you could try to be People's Most Intriguing Person of the Year. Previous winners include: Heidi Montag, Sarah Palin, Will Smith's Children, Chilean Miners and Tiger Woods' crazy Swedish ex-wife. I mean seriously, who the hell is Roberto Martinez?

10.

Wait a minute... Wait a dang-on minute! Nick Nolte was once the Sexiest Man Alive? I take back everything, maybe all you need to do is buy the Editor at People a latte to win this thing.