Why It's Okay To Not Love Your Mother
Mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide
I cannot remember a time where I was not manipulated and abused by my mother. When I say abuse, specifically, I mean emotional and verbal, and on 2 occasions, physical. My mother, who's name I won't mention, is a very smart, savvy woman. She can be the kindest, most compassionate person you'd ever meet, for all of ten seconds. As soon as she realizes she will not stand to benefit from being your friend, family, or co-worker, she will become a ruthless, demeaning, manipulative individual that will stop at nothing to destroy you. Abusers, of all kinds, physical and emotional, are especially good at this. And all the while, they will make you feel like your emotions are not valid, that you are the abuser, that you are over-reacting to the situation. When it comes from a person of any kind of authority, it can make recognizing this kind of behavior as abuse much harder, as the abuser will tell you they are within their power to do these things to you. They deserve respect as an authority, but you do not as a person. You are the one that is wrong, and they will always be right. Living this is hard, reflecting on it can be harder.
When I was 15 I tried to kill myself. I had been self-harming for 9 months prior, and in all of this, my mother had not noticed anything was wrong, had not noticed I had stopped eating, sleeping, or that I was depressed, until she got a phone call from my 9th grade vice principal telling her "Ms. Kummings, your daughter is on her way to the hospital for a suicide attempt on school grounds." I arrived at the hospital around noon sometime in April or May. I don't remember the exact day or month anymore. But it was a Tuesday, and I had a math test in my homeroom. My vice principal called me into his office, and told me a parent had called, and was concerned I was harming myself. I denied it, and then refused to remove my jacket when asked. In all of this, no one asked about my mother. I remember thinking, "if she finds out she'll kill me." I ran to my classroom when they told me I could leave, grabbed my backpack, and locked myself in the handicap stall of the girls bathroom. Two bottles of pills and 11 cuts on my arm later a teacher came into the bathroom looking for me, bent down to see me over the toilet, and off to the hospital I went. When I saw my mother come running into the room, I was trying to finish my 2nd bottle of liquid charcoal. As soon as I saw her, I vomited. She was the last person I wanted to see. She was crying, but at the same time, blaming me and only talking about what this would do to her. She did not comfort me, she called me selfish, and unbelievable, over-dramatic, that there was no good reason for me to do this to her. Not to myself, to her. I didn't answer, I just cried and wished I had succeeded. My mother was at the forefront of my mind when I decided to attempt to kill myself. And she was the reason why, among multiple others, but when I think of why I tried to, she is the first thing that pops up.
I've only told her this once, in therapy, and she didn't acknowledge it. She might have ignored it, or just ignored me. That wasn't uncommon. We have never had a good relationship, and it has only gotten worse over the years. I live with my dad now, and am finally happy. I haven't spoken to my mother since I moved out of her house. It's been two months of no contact, from both her side and mine.
For people living in abusive relationships, especially with parents, it's important to remember that when you leave them and start your own life, you have no obligations, under any circumstances, to keep them in your life. As people, we can make decisions for ourselves, and we may regret them, or they may be the greatest things we ever decide to do. I knew that cutting off my mother meant that there was a possibility the family I have one her side would stop talking to me. I took that chance. My god-mother and I regularly talk still, if not more than before. My grandmother doesn't seem to want to talk to me, but still answers my phone calls. All of this I take with a grain of salt, as I should.
Abusers are very tricky, deceiving, manipulative, and they're good at it. Victims can be emotionally, mentally, and physically scarred for the rest of their lives from being abused. From it happening one time, to being a lifelong suffering, it will always be hard. Luckily for us, resources are available to victims to get help. Tell your friends and family in anyway that you can. Fight back, but be careful and safe about it. Eventually, all abuse ends. You are under no obligation to stay in contact or keep people in your life because they are related to you. You can choose your family, you don't have to keep the one that is hurting you.
If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship of any kind, please use the following resources
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline:
http://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Women Helping Women:
http://www.womenhelpingwomen.org/what-is-abuse/domestic-violence/
24-Hour Crisis Line at 513-381-5610, Toll-Free 1-877-889-5610 or TTY 513-977-5545
Domestic Abuse Intervention:
http://abuseintervention.org/
Help Line: 608-251-4445 or 800-747-4045
Safe Horizon:
http://www.safehorizon.org/page/domestic-violence-get-help-10.html
Call for help (llámenos para ayuda) 1.800.621.hope (4673)
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